January 2012
15 posts
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“Watching the Republican Presidential Debate tonight, while four...”
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I get so mad when people talk about Roman Polanski
…and say that he should be put on some pedestal because he’s an artist. Bullshit. According to the laws of this country, he’s a rapist. He did something wrong, and he has to own up to it just like everyone else. And this ‘artist’ crap? Yeah, you know who else was an artist? Hitler. Do a few landscapes make him any less of a monster? No, no they don’t.
...
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We're Going to the Motherfucking Super Bowl.
Two decades later and I’ve still got my Big Blue fever. They couldn’t cure it.
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Today was a good day in terms of enlightenment.
In terms of forward progress, today was backwards.
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“My occupational hazard being my occupation’s just not around.”
– “A Pirate Looks at Forty,”
Jimmy Buffett
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“@NewtGingrich: Honored to have Chuck Norris’ endorsement. He will make an...”
– I’m going to assume that Gingrich, if elected, will issue an executive order that will create the Department of Round-House Kicks.
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I don't know anyone over the age of, say,...
…who makes a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and doesn’t take it as a personal challenge to eat the entire batch in one sitting.
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CBS's 'Unforgettable' is David Adler's 'Cam...
When I was little I used to read two fringe kid’s mystery book series. One was The Bailey School Kids, which I have now taken upon myself to rewrite for an older, more mature audience. The other was the Cam Jansen Mysteries, which focused on a girl with a photographic memory who always caught the bad guy by remembering something key about whatever she needed to remember to catch the bad...
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SNES: The New Adventures - Pac-Man 2
Just before Christmas, a store opened near me that sells used games for every video game system under the sun. Below is a list of what they offer:
Nintendo Entertainment System
Super Nintendo Entertainment System
Sega Genesis
Sony Playstation (1, 2, and 3)
Nintendo 64
Nintendo GameCube
Xbox
Nintendo Wii
and more, I’m sure
I still have my SNES and N64, along with the family Wii, and...
December 2011
14 posts
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Christmas Eve Footie Pajama Party (Transcribed...
Me: Well, I'm wearing adult footie pajamas, a santa hat, and I'm surrounded by empty beer bottles. Guys, I'm single.
Katie: SHUT UP. I'M WEARING KERMIT THE FROG FOOTIE PJS & TWO BOTTLES OF WINE DOWN AND I'M SINGLE TOO! HOW WEIRD?!?!?!
Me: Mine are Eeyore! I wonder if there's something to this...
Katie: i think it's that we just have really really REALLY high standards.
Me: That's gotta be it. It's obviously not us.
Katie: Absolutely not us.
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“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and...”
– Aldous Huxley (via misswallflower)
My bro always gets an automatic reblog.
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Christmas Unwrapped
I am the worst gift wrapper of all time. I could make up a story about how because I’m an only child and have moved back in with my parents that I just ask the opposite parent to wrap presents for the other, but I don’t. I’m not lazy - I’ve spent four years of college breaks trying to figure out how to do this shit.
I’ve come to a conclusion. I can’t neatly...
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Warning: Glue bonds immediately to skin
Last night, I managed to super-glue a beer can to my hand.
Here’s a little background, because I think we’re going to need it.
About a week ago, I woke up to get ready for work and walked into the living room to turn on the television. Because I still live with my parents, this is basically a ruse to convince my mother that, yes, I’m awake and getting ready and no, not back...
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Nutty as a Fruitcake
Christmas time brings many things around my house - friends, family, laughter, and, of course, copious amounts of booze. At the annual holiday party my friends and I have every year, though, we had an uninvited guest.
Fruitcake.
The tradition of eating an unappealing foodstuff started off as a joke two years ago, when one of our friends, who is an excellent baker, made a tray of cupcakes and...
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In Wisconsin, a Recall Effort Belies a Progressive... →
In which Charlie Pierce (whom most of you know from NPR’s “Wait! Wait! Don’t tell me!” or my pushing of his book Idiot America upon you) wins today’s “best lede ever” award.
MADISON, Wisc. — On Friday, Governor Scott Walker presided over the ceremonial lighting of the Christmas tree in the great rotunda of the state capitol, hard by the bust of...
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I'm kind of liveblogging Huckabee's Republican... →
Dead Presidents: Random Dead Presidents Fact of... →
deadpresidents:
In the early evening hours of February 6, 1962, President John F. Kennedy summoned his Press Secretary Pierre Salinger to the Oval Office and entrusted Salinger with a serious, time-sensitive task.
“Pierre, I need some help,” the President said. Salinger responded, “I’ll be glad to do…
This is a great story.
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United States v. One Package of Japanese Pessaries →
In case you were wondering if the country is so fucked up because of modern political partisanship, it’s not. The government’s been doing ridiculous and pointless shit for a long time. Above is a case in point.
November 2011
25 posts
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Not New England
President Jed Bartlet: Not New England?
Toby Ziegler: There are some good things in this world not from New England, sir.
President Jed Bartlet: Toby, don't ever let me hear you say that again.
Toby Ziegler: Yes, sir.
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Ask, The Smiths
WatchClinton Foundation: Celebrity Division from President Bill Clinton
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“No man with a genius for legislation has appeared in America.”
– Henry David Thoreau, “Civil Disobedience” (1849)
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“The children can’t be our future because by the time the future comes they...”
– George Carlin, “It’s Bad for Ya!”
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Some people write a book and can't find an ending.
I have an ending, but I can’t write the book.
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The Vending Machine has Become Sentient
I work at what I’d basically call a large outpatient health care provider (it wasn’t my idea, trust me, but it does pay the bills well).
Of course, this means most things are centered around being healthy. Including the food. 90% of the products offered in our little cafe are some kind of organic or natural, or just healthy in general. Which is cool. I dig that as a granola-chomping...
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“When the little red thing pops up over your world, it means SOMETHING IS GOING...”
– Me, explaining Facebook to my mother.
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Suburban Justice's 2012 Election Coverage →
Our greatest contribution to mankind, Suburban Justice, in all its glory is still on hiatus. But Scott and Eber are back to cover the 2012 Presidential Election, with a little help from our friends. Grab your best campaigning chair and join us as we watch politics in action.
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Just found out that Berkeley cops decided it’d be cool to mess with Poet Laureate Robert Hass.
You don’t mess with poets, man. We’re rabble-rousers and we don’t let things go.
While Driving Through Delaware
Dad: What do they make here? Like, what's the chief export of Delaware?
Me: Bidens.
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World headed for irreversible climate change in... →
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Several Bad Puns Later...
Alysha: Let's do something Friday, guys.
Me: I'd love to, but I'll be on I-95 South.
Alysha: Heading where?
Me: Maryland. For a wedding. More like MARRY-land, AM I RIGHT?
Alysha: Oy.
Me: You can punch me in the face for that next time you see me. I'm trying to cure my addiction to horrible puns.
(Radio silence)
Me: ...Speaking of which, I applied for a job in California - a gold prospector. Really. It didn't pan out, though.
Alysha: Oh my god Kathryn. I'm using your real name because I'm that disappointed in you.
Me: I CAN'T STOP. HELP ME.
(More radio silence)
Me: I applied for another job at a blanket factory, but the company folded. I even submitted these horrible things to a Record-Journal contest. About ten of them, actually. I was hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.
Alysha: I'm going to go ahead and turn off my phone now.
Me: I'm done. I think it's over. I get these attacks. Like a seizure.