October 2009
59 posts
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Somewhat witty.
If you’re at your wit’s end, you probably weren’t that funny to begin with.
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“You know, I feel like I’m debating a pyromaniac in a straw man factory.”
– Rep. Anthony Wiener (D-NY) Regarding a Healthcare Reform debate in early October against Dr. Betsy McCaughey.
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“To be great is to be misunderstood.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson, An Essay on Self-Reliance
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Death of the railroad.
I lose my train of thought all the time. I blame the invention of the automobile and the expansion of associated industries.
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I don't know that.
When people tell me that “a little bird told them” something, I usually ask what specific species of bird. If they say a swallow, I ask if it’s of the African or European variety, and if it was carrying a coconut at the time.
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Hats Off
Next time someone asks me if there’s anything they can do while I’m throwing up, I’m asking for their hat and puking in it, end of story. What a stupid question.
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Ice skating bear kils Russian circus hand →
From CNN
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“The investigation is one that if full of mysteries and not many clues to go off,...”
– Adventures in Terrible Writing, part seven. Long story short, I had to peer edit the paper this came from and almost fucking threw myself off a pier. My comments on the paper:
I actually just drew a stick figure barfing onto this sentence. I wonder if that was appreciated.
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“I definitely think I’m a big part of what’s wrong with this world.”
– Katie K.
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“Once finding a match between the handwriting samples, could lead to a break in...”
– Adventures in Terrible Writing, part six. Long story short, I had to peer edit the paper this came from and almost fucking threw myself off a pier. My comments on the paper:
What the fuck is that comma doing there!? Get rid of that thing!! NOW!!
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Baby Jane
Does anyone care about Baby Jane and whatever happened to her? It doesn’t seem like it. Someone should have filed a missing persons report by now.
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“The universe is wider than our views of it.”
– Henry David Thoreau, Walden
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Greatest Country in the World.
Dad: This is the greatest country in the world. Only at the America kiosk in EPCOT can you get a beer when the rest of the park is closed. God bless America.
Me: They're not selling beer.
Dad: This country sucks. How come I can't get a beer after 9 PM here? Someone should tell Obama to fix that.
Me: Right, because THAT'S what he's most concerned about. Of all the things he needs to fix, I'm sure that's at the top of the list. Right now, he's saying, "Fuck health care reform, fuck the economic downturn, fuck equality, and most of all, fuck those two wars. If I can't get a beer in EPCOT after the fireworks, there's no point in fixing that shit."
Dad: Okay, you win. We've got rum back in the room anyway.
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Office Politics (Global Warming)
Just so everyone knows, it’s the second week of October. You wouldn’t be able to tell by stepping outside, though. The normally brisk and chilly morning air is unusually humid and stuffy. And by that I mean the temperature is in the 70’s and 80’s when it should be in the 50’s. It seems that Mother Nature never got the memo about it being autumn now. So what’s...
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Lead Zeppelin
What jackass thought it’d be a great idea to strap a couple of rotating fans onto a tin can and make it go up in the air? For that matter, what jackass thought it’d be a great idea to do the same thing with a balloon filled with flammable gas?
Fucking stupid.
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Musings from an Airport Terminal
I’m currently waiting in Gate A4 at Philadelphia International Airport for my flight. This airport is one of the most peculiar places on the face of the earth. Number one, I landed in F terminal, where all the “express” flights take off and land. For future reference, by the way, “express” means that it’s a tiny little propeller plane that rocks back and forth...
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Thrilla in prehistorilla.
Ignore the facts. In a fight between Andre the Giant and a Sabre-Toothed Tiger, who would win?
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Nobel Peace Prize.
Steve: I cannot believe the Nobel Peace Prize has become so trivialized. He has done NOTHING at ALL, much less something amounting to peacemaking.
Me: I woke up to about 300,000 tweets about this and apparently missed a shitload by starting my break early. However, it does put him in a place where he can't just sit with his thumb up his ass. Now that he's got it, he has to back it up.
Steve: He can try. So full of shit.
Me: Well, his thumb's up his ass. You can't take a shit if there's an obstruction. That Nobel Prize is heavy. You need two hands to hold it.
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Scott's First Editorial on Suburban Justice →
Scott takes on all the people hating on President Obama and his new, shiny Nobel Peace Prize.
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New slogan: "She kissed a girl with cherry...
I want to see the ChapStick company business statements regarding sale of cherry-flavored product among straight women between the ages of 18-25 open for sexual experimentation, specifically between the months of June and August of 2008. I bet their sales went through the fucking roof.
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“A test should be used sequencing to determine the DNA.”
– Adventures in Terrible Writing, part five. Long story short, I had to peer edit the paper this came from and almost fucking threw myself off a pier. My comments on the paper:
What? Makes no sense!
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Garbage, man.
I feel like the irony of trash bags are that the minute you unwrap the trash bags, you have something to throw out.
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Paris Foot Gay.
Me: okay, so there's this article on ontd_p that's about a gay French soccer team that got blown off by a Muslim team. The name of the French team is Paris Foot Gay.
Scott: Literally?
Me: HAHAHA. No. Okay, bad choice of words. My fault.
Scott: Paris foot gay!?
Scott: That sounds like a French foot fetishist's Google search.
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“Things do not change; we change.”
– Henry David Thoreau, Walden
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Watch the Right - Anti-Flag
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“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become...”
– Mitch Hedberg
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(Why so) serious question.
Have you ever stood in the kitchen utensils section of your local supermarket and thought, “hey, I wonder if someone used a knife they bought here to kill someone?”
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