July 2009
23 posts
6 tags
Little Dude's Ferret Transport.
Originally Posted 5/23/2009.
Today, I spent the evening running errands. After I had acquired completely necessary items for my own personal consumption, I got back on the road and started driving back to campus. I was stopped at a light when I noticed the van in front of me was advertising a very interesting service. To be quite honest, I didn’t know there was much of a market for ferret...
3 tags
Transformers: shitty movies in disguise.
Originally Posted 6/23/2009.
With the release of Michael Bay’s new Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen slated to open tonight at midnight, I thought I’d give my input on what I expect the film to be. Of course, why wouldn’t I post my review of the first installment of the movie series first?
Movie Armageddon? Nope, just Another bad Bay Flick.
It’s actually quite...
5 tags
Just a thought.
Originally Posted 5/14/2009.
Right now, it’s 2:51 AM and I’m watching Lewis Black on Comedy Central Presents… He’s on a tirade about the Monica Lewinsky scandal, and he’s chillin’ on the prop couch yelling at the audience. And I thought to myself… if I were to ever do stand-up comedy, that’s exactly how I’d want to do it. Sitting down.
3 tags
Socks.
There’s one thing that really gets to me like nothing else— When I do laundry and there’s a lot of socks in that particular load. First of all, I’m completely obsessive compulsive about matching my socks. If there’s a sock that’s missing it’s brother, I can’t take it. I don’t know why, it just annoys me. I’ve spent hours in the laundry...
4 tags
Jon and Kate in a Court of the State
Originally Posted 6/22/2009.
Well, I’m back. I needed a bit of a break from creativity to kill a few thousand brain cells in various parts of the country. Don’t worry, though, I’m still the same me and I haven’t lost any of the cheese that was in the refrigerator leftover from Christmas Eve. What? Anyway, the entire internet is buzzing tonight about TLC’s reality...
4 tags
Pinball Wizard.
Originally Posted 12/7/2008. Updated 5/6/2009.
Roanoke College tries to alleviate the stress of finals by having a bi-annual “Carnival Day” at the Commons, complete with Coney Island style hot dogs and cotton candy. Our tuition money also pays for a slew of free arcade games, which pretty much remain until it’s time for break. I held the high score in Galaga at 613310 after only...
5 tags
Food Network.
Originally Posted 5/1/2009.
Well, since my last post, I finished Joe Biden and have now started Thomas L. Friedman’s The World is Flat. And by that I mean it’s sitting on the floor about 6 feet away from me. Continuing on my tirade about pop culture and TV and things, I bring you my thoughts on the Food Network. — As it turns out, we, as a country, are so fat that we like to...
4 tags
Forkey-Knifey.
Today, as one of my co-workers jokingly munched on Sun Chips with a fork, several of us noted that there are certain foods that defy the fork-knife law. The fork-knife law is as follows: Only under specific circumstances may a fork and knife be used as aid for the consumption of items deemed, “finger food.” For example, pizza. When I see someone eating a slice of pizza with a fork and...
3 tags
Yo, Sacramento! You suck!
Originally Posted 12/4/2009.
What the fuck is this Prop 8 shit? Seriously, California? Us Connecticans didn’t fall for that ”Yes on Question 1” bullhockey. Now, I understand it’s the whole ‘sanctity of marriage’ thing, but what book of the Bible does it say that two people who love each other can’t share a bond that should only be viewed governmentally?...
5 tags
Cavalier Poets.
Originally Posted 3/29/2009.
There are pros and cons to taking British Literature courses. Cons British Literature British writers Pompous words Words I’ve never even seen before Pros Multiple opportunities to make fun of “the classics” Hilarious words that have different meanings now Rampant sexual innuendo There’s one poem in particular that encompasses all of the items...
5 tags
I'm terrified beyond the capacity for rational...
Originally Posted 5/8/2009.
The week, so far, has been interesting. I’m home from college for about a week and a half until I have to return to Roanoke for what we call an “intensive learning term.” Wednesday night into Thursday morning, I was awake until about 4 AM, as per usual. I was doing some work on Suburban Justice’s 100 Post Celebration and half-watching whatever...
6 tags
Say it ain't so, Joe.
Originally Posted 4/12/2009.
So I found Joe Biden behind my desk today while I was cleaning today. Okay, so it’s not really Joe Biden, but Promises to Keep, his autobiography. Here’s a little background on why it’s just called Joe Biden now. Before I came home for Christmas, I bought Joe Biden’s biography, Promises to Keep. There’s a story behind the reason I...
4 tags
Art history.
Originally Posted 1/21/2009. Want to know what the name of this painting is? The Castration of Uranus. Heh. I also wanted to share with you a couple jokes - Q: How many Obama Cabinet Members does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Who cares? They’re gonna change a bunch of other shit, too. Q: How many Obama supporters does it take to change a- A: WOO! CHANGE! FUCK YEAH! Q: How many epic...
3 tags
The Butler's Nose.
Originally Posted 1/16/2009.
I spent $60 in Barnes & Noble yesterday afternoon. I bought some Chomsky, Brave New World, The Onion’s Our Dumb World, and The World is Flat. So I’m checking out, and my friend is standing in line ahead of me, but there’s this guy at the register. I didn’t hear the whole of what he asked her, but it was something along the lines of,...
3 tags
Sweet Sixteen.
Originally Posted 3/23/2009.
I’m beating President Barack Obama’s NCAA Men’s Basketball bracket by 7 points. Yeah, I feel pretty accomplished right now.
4 tags
Inbox.
Originally Posted 3/20/2009.
This email was in my inbox last night after I got back from running some errands around 10 pm.
Dear Students, There is hoax / rumor spreading on the internet, via e-mail, text message, word of mouth, etc today about a “gang initiation” at a Wal-Mart store in Virginia tonight. This rumor is spreading around the state of Virginia and in some social circles on...
3 tags
All a-twitter.
Congratulations, if you’ve made it here, then you must have had either Tom Hanks or Nicolas Cage decoding the many clues I left along the way. Either that, or you clicked the link in my twitter profile. Whatever.
So, you’ve decided to follow me on twitter, have you?
Yeah, I guess I have. Who are you, exactly? I would suggest going here to find that out. If you’re in a hurry,...
3 tags
Notecards.
Originally Posted 3/15/2009.
It’s been a few, but I’ve got something good. My dad was moving all of the furniture and boxes of shit out of my grandmother’s apartment when I was on my way home for spring break. When I walked in the house, I found piles of stuff crammed into our garage. I started to help go through it. While doing so, I found fifteen 3x5 notecards with what looks...
2 tags
Air-traffic control.
Originally Posted 2/28/2009.
As much as I love it, here’s the problem I have with flying. When the pilot comes on the intercom while you’re taxing to the runway and says, “Welcome to flight 4488 with service to East Bum-fuck, Canada. This is your captain speaking. Right now we’re second or third in line for departure. Estimated arrival time is around fourteen hundred...
5 tags
The whereabouts of your shit.
Originally Posted 2/27/2009.
If you live in Roanoke College’s Bowman Hall and put your pair of red shorts and blue tee shirt into the wash with a bunch of whites, first of all, you’re a dick. Second of all, your shit is hanging from the roof hatch in the third floor stairwell. Here are photos to prove that your tee shirt and shorts are still okay:
3 tags
Hummers.
Originally Posted on 2/25/2009.
Do we still manufacture Hummers? I guess we’re at least making the smaller, family-friendly versions. How much do these motherfuckers cost to make? Didn’t we just bail out the big three in Detroit? How much did we give them? Probably about enough to make about 4 H3s, right?
Ready, average American family? Set… Go! Go buy hardcore HUMVEEs and...
6 tags
Law Enforcement
Originally Posted on 2/23/2009. Have you ever seen those “Speed Limit Enforced by Aircraft” signs on the highway? For example:
I never see any aircraft around. Ever. To be honest, I’d like to see them try. Once there’s a SCUD missile screaming towards my Honda Civic while I’m going 90 miles per hour, then I’ll consider slowing down. Until then, I’ll...
3 tags
Let's dispense with the pleasantries, shall we?
I’m a recent graduate from Roanoke College in Virginia, but I was born and raised in Connecticut. I’m in the process of figuring out how to pay for a graduate program I applied for because, like the United States, I believe the only way to get rid of existing debt is to accrue more debt. Hey, if it’s good enough for the USA, it’s good enough for me.
HEY! I’m also a...