August 2009
23 posts
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“I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up...”
– F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
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Damn liberal media.
The motto of The New York Times is “All the News That’s Fit to Print.” What happens to all the news that isn’t fit to print? I bet it runs back home and eats its feelings.
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“This is a podium, not a life raft. It won’t save you from drowning in a...”
– Prof. Deborah Selby, regarding public speaking
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IT'S BACON!
Do you think the dog that talked to David Berkowitz, the “Son of Sam” killer, ever asked for a biscuit? Maybe Beggin’ Strips?
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Election jokes.
Q: How many Obama cabinet members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who the fuck cares? They're gonna change a bunch of other shit too!
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Q: How many Obama supporters does it take to change-
A: CHANGE!! WOO!!
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Q: How many Alaskan governors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change it and one to board a helicopter and shoot all the wolves in a 14 mile radius.
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“Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad,...”
– Victoria Holt
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“Do not rhyme unless you have to. Like an emergency.”
– Dr. Mike Heller, regarding poetry.
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Double-Half-Pounder with Cheese.
Why do they call it a “double quarter pounder with cheese”? Why not just a “half-pounder with cheese”?
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Shotgun!
Last winter, against my better judgment, in an attempt to stay awake during the dream-killing week before exams, I just shotgunned a Rip It Energy Drink. I got it at the local Dollar Tree. I figure, hell, if’ I’m going to make my heart explode, I shouldn’t spend four dollars on a Red Bull if I can buy essentially the same thing for only a dollar. I probably won’t buy it...
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Caller I.D.
At the Meriden Square, (It’s not ‘Westfarms,’ okay? Fuck you.) a couple of my friends and I went to return a stupid sweater and buy gifts for people they know. As soon as I was done in JC Penny’s, we headed over to Spencer’s Gifts, where we started looking around and browsing all the hilarious shit. Well, while looking on a rack, I found their store phone. It was like...
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Concentrate.
This is an example of the orange juice my college’s quick food option gives out. It tastes awful. I think I know why. 1) It’s distributed by “Rituals Coffee Company.” Orange juice from a coffee company!? Bullshit! 2) It’s made in Columbia, Maryland. Last time I checked, most Orange groves are not in Maryland. 3) It’s called the “Thirster.” I...
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Fight-or-Flight Club.
What I love most about human evolution is the fight-or-flight response to danger. Basically, your hypothalamus sends a message to your brain stem that stops all of your reasoning thoughts and forces your body to either get ready to face the peril or run the fuck away. So if you’re walking through the woods one day and you see a puma in a bush, the conditioned response is, ”HOLY SHIT,...
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Reality television and you!
There is nothing interesting about humans. If we still acted on our animal instincts, we’d be much more fun to watch. We do have those Animal Planet shows with the British guy narrating. They just lack the British guy narrating. MTV’s been doing it for years. Our generation’s safari specials are just Reality TV. Reality television is a testament to how fucking boring we are as a...
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Poetry slam.
Keys Fuck! Shit. Asshole cuntwaffle twatmuffin. Tits, cock, ballsack. Motherfucking cocksucker. Where the hell are my keys? Household Appliances I used the vacuum and all it did was suck. We had corn with dinner, but all I did was shuck. I do all the chores, sure, I get bored, but when I’m with your mom, all we do is fuck.
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How you know you've hit rock bottom.
You’re a one-legged stripper… …and you’re the most requested dancer out of all your colleagues.
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ilovecoffee.
I’m currently sitting in a coffee shop close to my college’s campus. So far, this trip has been the most awkward thing that’s ever happened to me. I decided to ride my bike rather than walk. My bike is a bit of a piece. On my way, the chain separated from the gears as it so often does. I turned into a side street next to a freshman dorm to fix it. I wanted to just continue on the...
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Five Things that Should be Illegal
Things that Should be Illegal 1. The wearing of Bedazzled things in public places. 2. The ability for lawn care professionals to drive. 3. Another incarnation of Jefferson Starship. 4. Chris Kattan. 5. Fortune cookies that have no fortune inside.
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Poetry critic.
There’s this girl I’m facebook friends with who really sucks at writing poetry. No one will tell her how bad it is. Tonight, however, I decided to voice my opinion. Her poetry is just…”oh noetry.” Why you do this? It makes me want to ram my fist in her face post haste. This is better, no lying. I’m not even fucking trying.
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How to fix America.
There’s talk of health care reform. Of course, where there’s talk of health care reform, there’s going to be fuckery. I’ve mentioned before that I work at a four-week day camp sponsored by my town’s parks and recreation department. Camp runs from 8:30AM to 3:00PM Monday through Friday. I was at work the other day, and I realized something so simple that every camp...
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The Children are Our Future.
Originally Posted 6/30/2009.
No, I haven’t seen Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen yet. No, I don’t know when I’m going to. Get off my case. Instead, I bring you news from another front. So, I’m adopted. It’s not really a big deal, just an interesting tidbit about myself. Apparently there are people with children who harass childless people about not having...
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Straitjacket Punditry.
Over the weekend, I was alerted by a real patriot that my government is screwing me in ways I’ve never been screwed before. The name of this real patriot? Mr. Glenn Beck. If you don’t know much about Glenn Beck, this is pretty much all you need to know: he’s probably insane. On Saturday morning, he tweeted a request for his followers to be watchdogs and “bark”...