September 2009
84 posts
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FCC what you did there.
Why do censors beep the “hole” in “asshole?” Doesn’t that seem a little ass-backwards?
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“HSIOW. Holy Shit, it’s Only Wednesday.”
– George Carlin
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Going Rogue.
I was reading the local newspaper this morning and there was a short summary article about a series of vehicle thefts. One of the descriptions of the cars stolen included: “a dark forest green SUV with a prominent “Sarah Palin 2012” sticker placed on the back windshield.”
The owner’s candidate went rogue, and now his car did too!
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NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE.
Right now, I’m reading an excerpt for my Values and Morality class. It’s about the Gospels of Jesus and how Christ viewed the topic of divorce. Here is an actual excerpt from Chapter 15 of The Moral Vision of the New Testament, written by Richard B. Hays:
Rather than having the holy polluted by the unholy, the opposite effect occurs. The holy “contaminates” the unholy and...
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“Goodbye Mr. A” - The Hoosiers
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Pie.
Me: Pick-up line for next week: "Hey, you want to get some pie sometime?" People can say no to dinner, but who can say no to pie? Nobody.
Brian: Girls can, and do, say no to pie. But that might be because I always add "and sex" to the end.
Me: That's something you spring halfway through the slice of pie. No girl will walk out on a good pie, no matter how bad the sex.
Me: That sounds like it could be a mediocre plot to an indie flick. Get on that. Here: Working title for philosophically agnostic diner-based indie flick: "I Hope They Serve Pie in Purgatory."
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Double-oh-fail.
You know, if you think about it, James Bond is a terrible spy. What kind of covert agent blows everything up?
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“She ran into right after but was not allowed to enter…”
– Adventures in Terrible Writing, part three. Long story short, I had to peer edit the paper this came from and almost fucking threw myself off a pier. My comments on the paper:
?????????
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“(If You are Wondering if I Want You To) I...
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Lightning kite? That's stupid.
Do you think Ben Franklin ever invented something, set it loose upon the world, and all people said was, “this is nothing but a pile of worthless shit!”
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Ill Doctrine →
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Anything Goes - Cole Porter
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If the Bible was a Coburn aide.
If the Bible was a Coburn aide, Matthew 5:30 would read:
And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell. By the way, you’re gay now.
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Suck it, Joe Rogan.
Hey, remember Fear Factor? I try not to, but am I glad that wart on the asshole of society is off the air. Boy, did that show suck.
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“All the clues he had to follow himself which makes it possible for his findings...”
– Adventures in Terrible Writing, part two. Long story short, I had to peer edit the paper this came from and almost fucking threw myself off a pier. My comments on the paper:
WHAT!? This doesn’t make sense AT ALL. FIX IT.
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"CSI: Liechtenstein"
CALLEIGH: Horatio - don't move.
HORATIO: What is it?
CALLEIGH: I don't think we're in Liechtenstein anymore.
ERIC: She's right, H.
[HORATIO gets hit in the head.]
HORATIO: Shots fired! Shots fired!
CALLEIGH: Horatio, you weren't shot. [Picks candy bar off ground.]
ERIC: It's a Toblerone.
[CALLEIGH chuckles.]
HORATIO: We're in... Switzerland?
ERIC: So much for staying neutral.
CALLEIGH: They have good aim.
HORATIO: Yes. Remember, Calleigh - there's no such thing...
[puts sunglasses on]
HORATIO: ...as a Swiss Miss.
[Theme music] YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
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What a dog is thinking when you yell at it.
I sat there, a little confused, the eiderdown feathers tickling the inside of my mouth. “Bad dog!” she yelled, shaking her finger at my nose. She must have had a cheeseburger for lunch. I can smell it on her hands. Oh, I love cheeseburgers. I wish I had a cheeseburger right now instead of these feathers. They don’t taste too good and frankly, I’m not sure why I decided to...
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Impressive score.
Yesterday, I got back a quiz in my Values class. My score was a negative ten. I got every question wrong. My favorite answer and probably the reason for a negative score was a response to this question: What view did [Frederick Douglass] have towards religion in his book, and what does he have to say about it in the appendix?
Douglass believed that even though there was deep faith, God never...
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WatchThis is where I was tonight. The Mahatma Gandhi Center for Global Nonviolence at James Madison University honored Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter. After the award ceremony, Former President Carter gave an address entitled, “The Path to Peace in the Middle East.” Carter, who turns 85 on October 1, served as the 39th U.S. President from 1977 to 1981, and is probably one of my favorite...
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“For example, the reason he walked into a McDonald’s and killed twelve...”
– Brent Stevens, on the media’s portrayal of mass murders.
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They're selling you magazines.
My Sundays are usually reserved for lazy activities; sleeping in, playing a video game, thumbing through a book, watching the Sunday news shows, taking a quiet stroll through a park, nursing the irreconcilable hangover that’s been brewing for two nights, etc. Today was different. At around 2 in the afternoon, I heard a knock on my door, something completely innocent and common. When I...
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Whether weather.
If rain is ‘god crying,’ then what the fuck is hail?
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“There is a two part processing to figuring out if there was been drug abuse...”
– Adventures in Terrible Writing, part one. Long story short, I had to peer edit the paper this came from and almost fucking threw myself off a pier. My comments on the paper:
Not only is this sentence passive, but you used the WRONG PASSIVE VERB.
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smallfootprintfamily.com Kleen Kanteen Giveaway! →
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How to Solve Congressional Incivility.
Invite congress over for beer and chalupas. Be sure that you have a pool and enough land to accommodate the entirety of Congress. Yes, you have to invite Eric Cantor.
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Old School Burned.
Me: www.ourcourts.org, in case you haven't been, it's pretty legit. Came highly recommended from Sandra Day O'Connor.
Middle School Teacher: Katie Katie Katie, all the cool kids have been on that for days, it basically is O'Conner's site.
Me: ..god you're quick. I seem to have lost a few steps in my old age.
Middle School Teacher: before you tell me, I already know about that new search engine they are calling 'google.'
Me: I need to go get some ice, because I just got burned.
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Seinfeld Band Names
Last week it occurred to me that within the 90’s TV sitcom Seinfeld, there are numerous potential band names. Here’s a list of 25 that I have compiled from my own memory. 1. Summer of George 2. The Fusilli Jerrys 3. The Yada Yada Yadas 4. The Anti-Dentites 5. Kenny Bania and the Jokes You Don’t Have to Think About 6. J. Peterman’s Reality Tour 7. David Puddy and the Yeah...
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Operation: Dance, Delay, Dance. →
Together we can get Tom Delay to the finals of ABC’s Dancing with the Stars and make him dance in the spotlight…AGAIN!
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“I’m misspelling too much…because I’m full of rage. I feel like...”
– Scott McNamee
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lyssie:
jeeesss:
thedisneyvault:
...