January 2010
43 posts
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Always Prepared
I just got done watching John Oliver’s New York Stand-Up Show, and Janeane Garofalo’s bit about flip-flops. About two months ago, I saw 28 Days Later and decided I had to re-think my choice of footwear. I stopped wearing flip-flops every day as per my usual pedal wardrobe. Instead, I started choosing shoes based on the ability to run from velociraptors and/or the undead.
Now, I have...
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Let's admit it.
Let’s face it, George W. Bush’s speechwriter was a monkey with a Speak ‘n’ Say. Please, can we as a nation admit that now?
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“I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than...”
– Thomas Jefferson
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Clock Suckers →
Hilarious online flash cartoon from the makers of College University.
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“Leadership means inspiring us to manage through our fears. Demagoguery means...”
– Al Gore, The Assault on Reason
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Cows Moo: Thoughts from the Top of a Hill.
This morning, ny economics professor was talking about something (I wasn’t exactly paying attention) and he started using this extended metaphor. He asked us to pretend we have never seen a cow before. Then he asked if he took bits of cow - the bones, the meat, the milk, the fat - and laid them individually on the floor, would we know it’s a cow? But when you drive along the highway...
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A Facebook Conversation with a Republican...
Him: Well how about THEM apples? Me: http://img193.imageshack.us/img193/8718/0001exde.jpg
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Campus Police
A siren outside from the campus police car. A drunken kid runs.
See other college haikus.
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Baroque Art
Baroque art sucks balls. Don’t argue otherwise or we’re no longer friends.
See other college haikus.
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Just like Luxembourg.
Me: Sorry I missed class this morning. What did we do?
Professor: You missed most of World War I.
Me: Yeah, I completely slept through it.
Professor: Oh, like Luxembourg.
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Greek Life
Sorority girls blow coke off a toilet seat while I just get drunk.
See other college haikus.
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Presidents
So a few days ago, before I left for school, I was at Target looking for a bift, which is a portmanteau for “bad gift.” A bift is a completely useless or pointless object given as a gift.
I bought phonics flash cards. I also found U.S. Presidents flash cards. I wanted them, so I got ‘em. The last night, I was packing to return to college, and I threw the box of presidents flash...
Travelling Clean
I’ve figured out the difference between international travelers in America and American travelers in other countries. When Americans enter a country with primarily non-English signs and markings, they panic and freak out. International travelers just wander around calmly until they find the right place.
Don't Hassle the Hass.
Dad: "I've got tickets for America's Got Talent, but I don't think the Hass is going to be there."
Me: "Don't you mean the Hoff?"
Dad: "Oh. Yeah."
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Roommates
Please do not fuck him while I am still in the room. That’s kind of douche-y.
See other college haikus.
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The Oatmeal's "Ten Words You Need to Stop... →
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“As a college student, I wrote my senior thesis on the impact of television on...”
– Al Gore, The Assault on Reason
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“The real leader has no need to lead - he is content to point the way.”
– Henry Miller
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Kitten Mittens
Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you to please compare this infomercial for Emery Cat and this clip from a popular network television show.
Coincidence? I think not.
Try KITTEN MITTENS! Found only at Paddy’s Pub, Home of the Original Kitten Mittens!
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Voltaire
Hello there, Voltaire. You beckon me to read you. I don’t think so, dude.
See other college haikus.
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“We’re now living in the second decade of the Willennium.”
–
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Community Bathroom
Flush your damn tampons! No one needs to see that, thanks. Clean up your pubes, too.
See other college haikus.