May 2010
34 posts
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Garden Guantánamo
Every Spring, my parents and I try to grow something useful in our backyard, and every year we fail miserably. Two years ago we tried to grow sunflowers. Nothing sprung up. Last year we bought the Topsy Turvy Tomato Planter and grew one pepper and no tomatoes. We’ve planted bushes that didn’t make it. We’ve killed things that can’t be killed by even the worst of gardeners....
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Telephone Survey
Me: Hello.
Survey Taker: Hello?
Me: Hi there!
Survey Taker: Hi, I'm with [survey company] and we're conducting research based on some magazines within a household. Is there someone within the household between the ages of 18-62?
Me: Sure.
Survey Taker: Okay...well what is your age?
Me: You're not supposed to ask a woman her age.
Survey Taker: Well it will only be used for research purposes...
Me: I'm 21.
Survey Taker: Okay, I'm going to list off some magazine titles and what I'd like to know is if you have read the title in the last 30 days.
Me: Mmkay.
Survey Taker: Reader's Digest?
Me: I'm 21. No.
Survey Taker: Better homes and Gardens?
Me: ...No.
Survey Taker: National Geographic?
Me: Yes!
Survey Taker: Okay, have you read the June 2010 issue of Good Housekeeping?
Me: No.
Survey Taker: Well what we'll do is send you a copy and you can read it before next Monday, May 31 we'll call you back and see...
Me: Why did you ask me what magazines I've read if you're going to send me one I don't read?
Survey Taker: It's just for research purposes.
Me: Have you guys ever thought about sending the magazines to people who actually read Better Homes and Gardens? Why ask people who don't like that magazine the issue when you know they don't read or like it?
Survey Taker: It's Good Housekeeping.
Me: Same thing.
Survey Taker: The survey does apply to all people.
Me: I disagree. I don't think it applies to people who don't like Good Housekeeping. Or magazines. And this is why print media is dying. ...Can I ask you a question? Have you read the June 2010 issue of Good Housekeeping?
Survey Taker: Thank you for your time.
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Location Earth Dog Tags →
Here’s the site’s description of the product:
Picture yourself lost in the galaxy…UFO sightings and Alien Abductions are on the rise…Will you return to tell the story?
In case of alien abduction these dog tags may save your life. The crucial data an alien will need to get you back to Earth is die stamped into these dog tags.
The design is...
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Life - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia →
Photo: Life on a rocky peak in the Waitakere Ranges
I just thought it would be interesting to look something so simple up on Wikipedia. It seems like when I pull up the browser and search, I never really search for anything, you know, that matters. I think Wikipedia is a great tool for collective learning, and with the internet as our tool chest, it may be one of the best things ever created.
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Sandwich Day
There used to be this fantastic deli and sandwich shop right down the street from my high school. For four years, I used to save my week’s lunch money and then, on Friday, I would walk there, get a sandwich, and walk home. There was one sandwich in particular that I fell in love with - and the only thing I really knew about it was that it was sliced chicken breast with a delicious...
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“If by a “Liberal” they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind,...”
– John F. Kennedy
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Judie est un Avorton
Back when I was in high school, I took French for reasons beyond my rational sphere. I nearly failed every class I took, but one of my friends excelled. She translated “Judy is a Punk” by The Ramones into French and sent it to me in my email back when email was cool and twitter was just a far-away thought. As I was cleaning out the inbox from my high school email account, I found her...
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Incongruent Netflix Suggestions, Volume 2
While browsing my Netflix, I saw that I was getting some pretty bizarre suggestions based on things I’ve rated or already watched. These are some of them.
“Because you enjoyed Monty Python’s The Life of Brian, you might also like M.”
“Because you enjoyed Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, you might also like Gandhi.”
“Because you enjoyed The Daily Show:...
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“Humans destroy the environment because they want to.”
– Economics Professor
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Fuck Yeah, U.S. Postal Service →
Hey everyone, I just started this new tumblog. My grandfather, when he died, left a very extensive stamp collection with us. Just recently, we had his collection appraised, and we were left with a few boxes of United States Postal Service memorabilia. This stuff ranges from stamps to postal cards. But hey, don’t let me have all the fun. If you find something good, go ahead and submit....
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“Reality is always reality.”
– Economics Professor
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I may
brianshutup:
…have just found the most relaxing thing ever.
Step 1. Open: http://www.endlessyoutube.com/watch?v=HMnrl0tmd3k Step 2. Open: http://www.rainymood.com/
I’m going to take a nap and dream in black and white noir film scenes now.
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The Diner
Fred: Any of you guys down for a diner run? I can pick you up if need be.
Me: Sorry, I've got work at 7:30.
Fred: It's me and Darren.
Me: I'm in my pajamas and I have tea. It's not happening. Have fun.
Fred: Tea is for [redacted] and republicans.
Me: No, tea is delicious and fuck you. Teabaggings are for republicans. Group [redacted] in wherever you want.
Fred: No arguments there, tea IS delicious if you're Marxist.
Me: Hey, fuck you McCarthy. I'm just minding my own business and you come 'round and start fucking with my lovely evening. Fascist.
Fred: You're totally blacklisted. 'Peaceful evening' sounds like Commie talk for revolution.
Me: Maybe it is. Maybe I'm plotting the Communist overthrow of the United States with Bill Ayers and members of ACORN. Either way, I'm not going to the diner.
Fred: This goes beyond the diner. This is about America.
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“Ah! Look at me! Sittin’ in the country! I’m writing things down but...”
– 18th Century Lit. Professor on Alexander Pope
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“I never quite understood why “simplification” is such a long word.”
– English Language Professor