Too Late, Trotsky

Bring a black marker. Pick up an edition of Cosmopolitan or the special “Style Watch” edition of People or any magazine that talks about designer fashion.
Circle and/or highlight the clothes that are not going to allow the wearer to flee if caught in an emergency/apocalyptic/zombie attack situation (see figure a.). Pro tip: This especially works for footwear. The more heel or top foot exposed, the less likely you are to survive.

Figure a.

Place the magazine back onto the waiting room table.
Smile with the satisfaction knowing that you helped show everyone how impractical designer clothes are during the apocalypse.

10 February 12

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Conversations with Bruce, Vol. 1.

Me: Hey, what the fuck is Adele?
Dad: Like, the next best thing, I don't know.
Me: Like, some chick who got throat surgery.
Dad: I guess. Something in People Magazine or something.
Me: You know who else got throat surgery? Julie Andrews.
Dad: Except Julie Andrews was awesome.

9 February 12

Comments | 1 note

Everyone knows this commercial, right? It’s for Subway’s month-long promotion for Five Dollar Footlongs.

Here’s the thing. Abraham Lincoln and George Washington were both Presidents of the United States AND were born in February.

Ben Franklin was never a President. Nor does he appear on the five dollar bill. Nor was he born in February (January 17th, actually).

WHY IS HE IN THIS AD?

8 February 12

Comments | 13 notes

Futurama, episode 1x04 “Love’s Labours Lost in Space”

I wish I had Zapp Brannigan’s confidence.

3 February 12

Comments | 1 note

How to be a Consultant

So over the last few months or so, I’ve been working as an independent consultant for another consulting firm (I know how this sounds, but picture Alec Baldwin saying this as if he were playing Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock and it totally works).

So as an unsuccessful consultant who has yet to be paid by the consulting firm who has “hired” her, here are my rules of being a consultant.

1. If they ask you to edit something, do it while drunk. You won’t get as angry as you normally do when people ask you to edit things.

2. There’s something called infinitive verbs. Everyone uses them wrong. EVERYONE.

3. 3:30 White Russian breaks are mandatory for all consultants ever. AM or PM, it doesn’t matter.

4. Anything due by “close of business on x day” should be done at 10:35 pm the day before after the allotted 3:30 White Russian break and every Happy Hour ever (AM or PM).

5. You’re awesome. Never forget that. Without you, your clients would be saving a lot of money that they don’t need.

This has been a public service announcement.