Al Gore Facts

I was watching An Inconvenient Truth in a tired stupor, and somehow, my twitter quickly became flooded with “Al Gore Facts.” I believe it started when I noticed that my ripped copy of the film had Spanish subtitles, and I quipped that “Al Gore can be boring in two different languages at the same time.” I apologized, saying that he was pretty cool in my book, but in my book, he’d be a kung-fu master battling kung-fu treachery. Here’s what happened:

If Al Gore was a kung-fu master, he’d use a scissor kick instead of a scissor lift.
Al Gore doesn’t need a recount, he needs a re-counter-kick.
Al Gore was the Vice President because that’s where he put the balls of people who disagreed with him. In a fucking vice.
Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize because his kung-fu kicks are more powerful than dynamite.
Al Gore churns out three things: award-winning documentary films, best-selling books, and pure, unadulterated pain.
Al Gore’s Prius is a motherfucking Transformer.
Al Gore wanted to make an apple pie from scratch, so he traveled back in time and created the universe.
Al Gore won’t run for President again because “running” is too slow of a pace.
Al Gore didn’t “invent” the internet. Al Gore looked at his computer screen and the internet was scared into being.