This is the Brown Marmorated Stink Bug, common to Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Maryland, and Virginia. They are really fucking common around my college’s campus, in fact, in Southwest Virginia.
They are known as stink bugs because, when disturbed, they emit a foul-smelling odor that resembles a horrid case of fetal-pig-burrito-induced formaldehyde diarrhea. Not that I know what that’s like.
Anyway, there’s what I like to think of as an “infestation” around the library parking lot where I leave my car. I was walking to my well-shaded sedan when I was attacked.
By a Brown Marmorated Stink Bug.
The bastard buzzed into the open collar of my polo shirt, crawling down towards my boobs. Instantly, I reacted, shoving my hand down my shirt without thinking about the consequences (like most of my saturday nights!). I shook a Brown Marmorated Stink Bug from my hand, and suddenly, a putrid smell arose from my accidentally popped collar. I had been marked.
It took me a few seconds to realize what had happened. The smell was so bad, I ran to my car while bile crept up my esophagus. The stench, my friends, is that bad.
My windows open, I took off towards the apartment so I could change my shirt and wash my neck. Dry heaving at the red light, I took an impromptu bath in a bottle of Purel I found in my glove compartment. I also failed to find any gloves in my glove compartment, but that’s another story.
I get to the apartment, let myself in, and immediately doused my towel in hand soap, and scrubbed. The smell was still vaguely present, so I sprayed enough Febreze on myself to the point where my skin felt like whatever Robin Williams was covered in for Bicentennial Man.
Nature, I have one question for you - what the fuck, man?
