How to be a Consultant

So over the last few months or so, I’ve been working as an independent consultant for another consulting firm (I know how this sounds, but picture Alec Baldwin saying this as if he were playing Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock and it totally works).

So as an unsuccessful consultant who has yet to be paid by the consulting firm who has “hired” her, here are my rules of being a consultant.

1. If they ask you to edit something, do it while drunk. You won’t get as angry as you normally do when people ask you to edit things.

2. There’s something called infinitive verbs. Everyone uses them wrong. EVERYONE.

3. 3:30 White Russian breaks are mandatory for all consultants ever. AM or PM, it doesn’t matter.

4. Anything due by “close of business on x day” should be done at 10:35 pm the day before after the allotted 3:30 White Russian break and every Happy Hour ever (AM or PM).

5. You’re awesome. Never forget that. Without you, your clients would be saving a lot of money that they don’t need.

This has been a public service announcement.