Too Late, Trotsky

The Kings of Faber.

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 22:59:19 -0500

The Kings of Faber.

I cannot properly express how much pain I have for my country due to the fact that Rick Santorum is a leading candidate for a major party's Presidential nomination.

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 01:32:15 -0500

(via deadpresidents)

Yep.

Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day from a young woman so unlucky in love...

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 20:18:13 -0500

Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day from a young woman so unlucky in love that when he realizes it’s me, Cupid switches from love arrows to poison darts.

How to Have Fun in a Waiting Room, Vol. 1

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 20:12:35 -0500

Bring a black marker. Pick up an edition of Cosmopolitan or the special “Style Watch” edition of People or any magazine that talks about designer fashion.
Circle and/or highlight the clothes that are not going to allow the wearer to flee if caught in an emergency/apocalyptic/zombie attack situation (see figure a.). Pro tip: This especially works for footwear. The more heel or top foot exposed, the less likely you are to survive.

Figure a.

Place the magazine back onto the waiting room table.
Smile with the satisfaction knowing that you helped show everyone how impractical designer clothes are during the apocalypse.

Conversations with Bruce, Vol. 1.

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 21:20:19 -0500

Me: Hey, what the fuck is Adele?
Dad: Like, the next best thing, I don't know.
Me: Like, some chick who got throat surgery.
Dad: I guess. Something in People Magazine or something.
Me: You know who else got throat surgery? Julie Andrews.
Dad: Except Julie Andrews was awesome.

Everyone knows this commercial, right? It’s for...

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 00:02:24 -0500

Everyone knows this commercial, right? It’s for Subway’s month-long promotion for Five Dollar Footlongs.

Here’s the thing. Abraham Lincoln and George Washington were both Presidents of the United States AND were born in February.

Ben Franklin was never a President. Nor does he appear on the five dollar bill. Nor was he born in February (January 17th, actually).

WHY IS HE IN THIS AD?

Futurama, episode 1x04 “Love’s Labours Lost in...

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 23:47:32 -0500

Futurama, episode 1x04 “Love’s Labours Lost in Space”

I wish I had Zapp Brannigan’s confidence.

How to be a Consultant

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 23:55:00 -0500

So over the last few months or so, I’ve been working as an independent consultant for another consulting firm (I know how this sounds, but picture Alec Baldwin saying this as if he were playing Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock and it totally works).

So as an unsuccessful consultant who has yet to be paid by the consulting firm who has “hired” her, here are my rules of being a consultant.

1. If they ask you to edit something, do it while drunk. You won’t get as angry as you normally do when people ask you to edit things.

2. There’s something called infinitive verbs. Everyone uses them wrong. EVERYONE.

3. 3:30 White Russian breaks are mandatory for all consultants ever. AM or PM, it doesn’t matter.

4. Anything due by “close of business on x day” should be done at 10:35 pm the day before after the allotted 3:30 White Russian break and every Happy Hour ever (AM or PM).

5. You’re awesome. Never forget that. Without you, your clients would be saving a lot of money that they don’t need.

This has been a public service announcement.

"…you are the sexual equivalent of a million Hindenburgs"

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 22:22:17 -0500

“…you are the sexual equivalent of a million Hindenburgs””

- Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock.

"I spelled coconut with a seven."

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 23:29:19 -0500

““I spelled coconut with a seven.””

- Fred, attempting to send a vulgar text but failing to do so. Instead, he sent “coconut.”

gpoy.

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 02:45:00 -0500

gpoy.

It took me way too long to realize that all of the headlines...

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 23:06:44 -0500

It took me way too long to realize that all of the headlines start with “Wait Wait.”

Me: I’m missing a pair. Dad: Jesus Christ. How do you...

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:53:43 -0500

Me: I’m missing a pair.

Dad: Jesus Christ. How do you know?

Me: I just do. It’s like losing a child or thirty dollars. You know it’s gone.

Dad: You have a serious problem.

Epic 25-city, month-long road trip plan. Now all I need is a...

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 04:20:21 -0500

Epic 25-city, month-long road trip plan. Now all I need is a free month, some travel money, a travel buddy, and the cajones to actually hit the trail.

"Watching the Republican Presidential Debate tonight, while four lowest-common-denominators bicker in..."

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 21:11:00 -0500

“Watching the Republican Presidential Debate tonight, while four lowest-common-denominators bicker in high-definition stereo, I realized something. I’m a graduate student with no job and no hope of moving out of my parents’ house, but, because of the health care reform bill signed by President Obama, I have the insurance to cover the alcohol poisoning I’ll probably get from the Republican Presidential Debate drinking game I’m playing.”

I get so mad when people talk about Roman Polanski

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 11:05:00 -0500

…and say that he should be put on some pedestal because he’s an artist. Bullshit. According to the laws of this country, he’s a rapist. He did something wrong, and he has to own up to it just like everyone else. And this ‘artist’ crap? Yeah, you know who else was an artist? Hitler. Do a few landscapes make him any less of a monster? No, no they don’t.

Here’s the thing - sure, we can talk about Polanski’s movies and how awesome they are - I mean, Chinatown is an absolutely fantastic film and should be a mainstay in teaching the craft - but it doesn’t change who he is. We shouldn’t let how great the work is affect how we view the director. Michael Bay made Armageddon, which is one of my favorite I-always-watch-it-when-it’s-on-TV movies, but it doesn’t make him any less of an asshole. Kevin Smith has produced probably the largest cult-classic body of work since Mel Brooks was on his game, but he’s still a bit of douche. And James Cameron - well, I just don’t like him.

So when you talk about Roman Polanski, talk about what he is: a coward who had sex with a 13-year-old and ran away to avoid punishment.

This has been a public service announcement.

thedailywhat: SOTU: President Obama embraces Rep. Gabrielle...

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 22:09:49 -0500

thedailywhat:

SOTU: President Obama embraces Rep. Gabrielle Giffords ahead of tonight’s State of the Union address.

[nbcnews.]

This is what America’s about right here. Perseverance and support.

inothernews: 17 years. 1,954 games. 1,664 hits. 1,065 runs...

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 17:39:12 -0500

inothernews:

17 years.

1,954 games.

1,664 hits.

1,065 runs batted in.

275 home runs.

In the playoffs 16 out of 17 seasons.

Four World Series rings.

And a symbol of class. Diana Munson, widow of Yankee captain Thurman Munson, thanked Jorge for “bringing me back to baseball.”

Thanks for everything, Jorge.

(Photo of a tearful Jorge Posada announcing his retirement from professional baseball at Yankee Stadium on Tuesday by Ron Antonelli / New York Daily News)

Just want to say I credit this guy with getting me behind the plate when no one else would. Jorge is class at its finest, and when I played ball I tried to be as stand-up as him, even in the worst innings.

…I should probably do some reading.

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:54:12 -0500

…I should probably do some reading.

We're Going to the Motherfucking Super Bowl.

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 00:08:01 -0500

Two decades later and I’ve still got my Big Blue fever. They couldn’t cure it.