Every culture has its own path to adulthood. It could be a ritual, the end of education, or even mandated by law. Adulthood is a terrifying ultimatum for children of all ages - a strict rule that says “You are now an adult. You must follow the rules. You must act mature. You must take responsibility.” I shudder every time I think about it.
I’ve realized now, however, that my path to adulthood is unique. I have searched far and wide for what Robert Frost would call “the road less traveled by,” and I think I’ve finally reached the end of my journey without walking across hot coals or the ruling of a grand jury (and I’m fairly surprised that the latter didn’t happen).
My leap into adulthood was prompted by the fact that I can no longer relate to children born after the year 2000.
They think Star Wars: A New Hope is boring and Revenge of the Sith is the best.
The best video game system has a controller with more than five buttons.
“You can get books at the library?”
“I stay up until two in the morning sometimes.”
They have cell phones and never talk on them, only text.
They think the Twilight series is the best thing to happen since sliced bread.
None of them eat sliced bread. Just Lunchables and Uncrustables. Actually, most food has the suffix “-ables” now. I call them “disgustables.”
But the thing that bothers me most of all? Why, that’s the fact that they look at me like I have four heads when I ask,
“Hey, you guys ever just feel like digging a hole?”
I mean, come on. That’s an integral part of childhood - sitting in the dirt with a stick or a rock, digging a fucking hole. You think you can reach China. You find all kinds of stuff. Worms, cool rocks, more sticks, dirt. And the best part? You get all dirty.
Why isn’t that a part of childhood anymore?
“ Oil can give us food, like biscuits.
— Little Kid’s Test Answer
Originally Posted 6/30/2009.
No, I haven’t seen Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen yet. No, I don’t know when I’m going to. Get off my case.
Instead, I bring you news from another front. So, I’m adopted. It’s not really a big deal, just an interesting tidbit about myself.
Apparently there are people with children who harass childless people about not having children. These people are known as, “breeders.” This phenomenon has become so common that childless people have made “Breeder Bingo,” a bingo game based on the things “breeders” say to them in regards to children.
I start work tomorrow, work at a summer camp for kids ages 6 through 12. I figured posting this is mildly appropriate because, by the time camp is over, I will not want to see a child in that age range for months, and I will be grateful that their parents came to pick them up every day.
This is the “Breeder Bingo” board, and here are my ever-so-tactful answers to all of these questions.
1. “It’s different when it’s your own!”
No, it’s not. It’s the same. Except I can’t give it back.
2. “Your child could grow up to cure cancer!”
Based on the way things went for me, my motivation, and my work ethic, I highly doubt that.
3. “People like you SHOULD have kids!”
Yeah, and people like you really shouldn’t.
4. “You were a baby once, too!”
Okay…water is wet. The sky is blue. The Pope is Catholic. Oh, sorry, were we not having a state-the-obvious competition?
5. “What about the family name?”
Yeah, it’s pretty sweet, isn’t it?
6. “Who will take care of you when you’re old?”
Well, for one, I don’t expect to need to be ‘taken care of.’ And if I do, there will be very well-paid nurses for that.
7. “What if your parents didn’t have kids?”
I’m adopted. They didn’t ‘have kids’ the way you’re implying anyway. Suck it. I’m special.
8. “The only reason to get married is to have children!”
Two words: Shotgun. Wedding.
9. “It’s all worth it.”
Weren’t those Ted Bundy’s last words?
10. “The biological clock is ticking!”
So is the atomic clock.
11. “You’ll change your mind.”
You a psychic or something?
12. “If everyone didn’t have kids, the human race would die out!”
You see that as a bad thing? We’re a virus with nice shoes.
13. “But the Bible said, ‘go forth and multiply!’”
The Bible says a lot of things. I believe one of them was, “Jesus wept.”
14. “You forget the pain of labor and birth!”
What?
15. “People who don’t want kids are selfish!”
And…there’s something wrong with that?
16. “You aren’t a real adult until you have kids!”
Legally, that’s not true. I was an adult at 18.
17. “Children are a woman’s greatest achievement!”
No they’re not. Now go in the kitchen and make me a sandwich. That will be your greatest achievement.
18. “Don’t you want to give your parents grandchildren?”
We never really discussed it. It seems a little presumptuous to say that they want them without asking, doesn’t it?
19. “It’s the most important job in the world!”
I don’t know, there are some pretty important jobs out there. Like whoever makes alarm clocks.
20. “What’s the matter, don’t you LIKE kids?”
Yeah, if I can give them back later.
21. “The children are our future!”
Well…that sucks.
22. “Don’t you want genetic immortality?”
Yes! And that’s exactly why I’m having myself cryogenically frozen so that I can be revived when we figure out this whole “how to live forever” deal.
23. “Nothing is better than that “new baby” smell.”
Yeah. Nothing smells better than fresh loads of feces every 10 minutes. Believe me. Nothing.
24. “Aren’t you curious to see what they would look like?”
Not really, no.
