It was a Good Day.

I just spent the last hour drinking beer and spinning that “modernized first line” of The Metamorphosis into a full-blown “Tik Tok” parody. This morning I found out I won a poetry competition and I ate the best tasting apple I’ve had in a long time.

If this is a prelude to how things are going to be after I graduate, the future is gonna be bitchin’.

Kafkaesque

After reading Franz Kafka’s “The Metamorphosis,” I can’t kill an insect because now I think that every giant cockroach I see is just a dude having a really shitty day.

Also, an updated first line:
“As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself feeling like P. Diddy.”

Van Gogh-gurt.

I got to my journalism class a bit late this morning, so I brought a cup of light blueberry yogurt to class as a substitute for the normal three-course breakfast buffet I normally have time to cook myself every morning.
I sat in class, having forgotten to throw the book in my bag before raiding the fridge for something edible, spooning the delicious bacteria-ridden milk into my mouth. Then I got distracted by the label. Then the ingredients. My professor must have noticed I was paying more attention to my yogurt than his discussion on classic beat journalists because he said,
“Katie, don’t look at that, you’ll get sick.”

Not for anything, but this is the second time a professor has caught me looking at the labels of food I probably shouldn’t be eating in class anyway. I must raise an eyebrow high enough for them to see that I’m clearly not paying attention, but rather more concerned with the amount of chemicals and high-fructose corn syrup sloshing around in my stomach.

There’s something to be said about that, I’m just not sure what quite yet.

For Loko

This will be my first experience with 4-Loko. Because I’m a little bit hungover from last night’s drinking experience and I’ve got a little cold, I’ve chosen the “Orange Blend.”

Cracking the can, the distinct aroma of ambiguous citrus permeates the air. Let’s see how this goes.

It tastes like a mimosa! Holy shit!

1:31 - I’ve finished about a third of the can and I’m actually starting to feel it. My stomach is doing something very odd which I can describe in metaphor as a paraplegic doing a cartwheel.

2:02 - My brain hurts. Little more than halfway through. Panic and paranoia beginning to set in. Loko beginning to taste less like orange and more like plague.

2:10 - Started chugging because every time I sipped I vomited in my mouth a little. Bad idea. Looking through Facebook photos and discovering that I make some of the most bizarre facial expressions while inebriated. Need to work on that.

2:16 - IT’S IN MY EYES. AHHHHHHHHHHHH IT BURNS.

2:29 - You may have noticed I have changed my shirt. What a fucking ordeal that was. Rob has finished his 4-Loko and is not even buzzed, which clearly means he is either an alien who lives off of crappy alcoholic beverages, or he’s the Michael Phelps of drinking 4-Loko.

3:05 -  It took me over an hour to finish the rest of this. Friends told me I was shouting when I clearly was not. They don’t know anything. Stupid friends. My mouth tastes like orange-flavored anger and rage. I’m glad I did this early so I can take a nap.

3:12 - Holy shit, I’m really drunk.

To the roommates who do not replace the toilet paper roll in my apartment.

Why one should replace the roll of toilet paper

It has come to my attention that several people in this apartment have neglected to replace the roll of toilet paper onto the roll attached to the cabinet. In my opinion, these people are COMMUNISTS who neglect the American dream.

The American dream itself is a curious thing that can mean many things to many people. However, for those who do not replace the toilet paper roll, the American dream consists of bombing heavily populated areas and committing acts of terrorism so profound, that the Department of Homeland Security deems this group of insurgents a Class 1 threat.

Under the Patriot Act, passed in 2001 by President George W. Bush, those who do not replace toilet paper rolls are considered “terrorist organizations,” even if the culprits are individuals with no ties to Al Queda or other insurgent groups.

It has come to the attention of this roommate that those who do not replace the toilet paper roll should therefore be investigated by the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Department of Homeland Security.

Thank you.

Kill Your Television, Volume 1

The television in our apartment broke over break, so instead, me and my two roommates have no other option than to engage in stimulating conversation to entertain us.

Tonight’s Topics:

1. Can vegans eat human semen?
   Verdict: Depends on whether the individual believes the human to be an animal that is exploited.
2. What is the likelihood of the Zombie apocalypse (Z-Paw)?
   Verdict: High.
3. How would the Z-Paw happen?
   Verdict: Through a degenerative brain disease, like bovine spongiform encephalopathy and the threat of a mutation in prion protiens that cause the disease.
   
4. What do my roommates (Z-Paw amateurs) need to do to be prepared?
   Verdict: Be aware at all times, wear practical clothes that would allow one to be active if the Z-Paw were to occur, have a plan, keep simple objects that could be used as weapons accessible.
5. How does one make anti-zombie weapons from common dorm-room items?
   Verdict: An example - one can make a blade or shiv from printer paper, a mirror, a piece of plastic, and duct tape.
   
6. What are necessary everyday items in the event of Z-Paw?
   Verdict: Car keys, a pocket knife, a canteen or something that can hold and keep clean water, first aid kit, raincoat, comfortable shoes, any kind of ‘survival gear,’ shotgun, etc, etc.
7. Is anorexia technically cannibalism?
   Verdict: Yes, because cannibalism is the consumption of human flesh. By not putting any calories into the body, the anorexic’s body begins to consume itself in the form of muscle in order to survive.
   
8. Would you eat human flesh if it was in cheeseburger form?
   Verdict: Depends on how the meat is procured and whether or not toxins within the normal human body could be removed via cooking.
   
9. If a centaur and a human conceived a child, what form would the child take, human, centaur, or bizarre hybrid?
10. Verdict: It depends on which is the female. If a human female and a male centaur conceived, the human female would have no means to birth a child that is part centaur. Also, since we do not know the dominant and recessive traits of centaur genetics, there is no way to determine the outcome.
    
11. Why are chicken eggs so big when human eggs are microscopic?
    Verdict: …We should probably go to sleep.