Why one should replace the roll of toilet paper
It has come to my attention that several people in this apartment have neglected to replace the roll of toilet paper onto the roll attached to the cabinet. In my opinion, these people are COMMUNISTS who neglect the American dream.
The American dream itself is a curious thing that can mean many things to many people. However, for those who do not replace the toilet paper roll, the American dream consists of bombing heavily populated areas and committing acts of terrorism so profound, that the Department of Homeland Security deems this group of insurgents a Class 1 threat.
Under the Patriot Act, passed in 2001 by President George W. Bush, those who do not replace toilet paper rolls are considered “terrorist organizations,” even if the culprits are individuals with no ties to Al Queda or other insurgent groups.
It has come to the attention of this roommate that those who do not replace the toilet paper roll should therefore be investigated by the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Department of Homeland Security.
Thank you.
The television in our apartment broke over break, so instead, me and my two roommates have no other option than to engage in stimulating conversation to entertain us.
Tonight’s Topics:
- Can vegans eat human semen?
Verdict: Depends on whether the individual believes the human to be an animal that is exploited.
- What is the likelihood of the Zombie apocalypse (Z-Paw)?
Verdict: High.
- How would the Z-Paw happen?
Verdict: Through a degenerative brain disease, like bovine spongiform encephalopathy and the threat of a mutation in prion protiens that cause the disease.
- What do my roommates (Z-Paw amateurs) need to do to be prepared?
Verdict: Be aware at all times, wear practical clothes that would allow one to be active if the Z-Paw were to occur, have a plan, keep simple objects that could be used as weapons accessible.
- How does one make anti-zombie weapons from common dorm-room items?
Verdict: An example - one can make a blade or shiv from printer paper, a mirror, a piece of plastic, and duct tape.
- What are necessary everyday items in the event of Z-Paw?
Verdict: Car keys, a pocket knife, a canteen or something that can hold and keep clean water, first aid kit, raincoat, comfortable shoes, any kind of ‘survival gear,’ shotgun, etc, etc.
- Is anorexia technically cannibalism?
Verdict: Yes, because cannibalism is the consumption of human flesh. By not putting any calories into the body, the anorexic’s body begins to consume itself in the form of muscle in order to survive.
- Would you eat human flesh if it was in cheeseburger form?
Verdict: Depends on how the meat is procured and whether or not toxins within the normal human body could be removed via cooking.
- If a centaur and a human conceived a child, what form would the child take, human, centaur, or bizarre hybrid?
- Verdict: It depends on which is the female. If a human female and a male centaur conceived, the human female would have no means to birth a child that is part centaur. Also, since we do not know the dominant and recessive traits of centaur genetics, there is no way to determine the outcome.
- Why are chicken eggs so big when human eggs are microscopic?
Verdict: …We should probably go to sleep.
