It’s been snowing all day in Southwest Virginia. So far it’s accumulated about two inches total, which is enough to coat the grass and be a pain in the ass when you want to drive somewhere.
Now, I live with two friends in a college-owned apartment located about a mile from main campus. The annex campus also has two fraternities, a sorority, and an empty building. Remember this, it might be important later.
I just dropped one of my roommates off at her car parked on main campus. As we left our apartment, we noticed that one of the fraternity houses was throwing a party.
“Huh,” I said. “Seems kind of early. Must be a cocktail.”
As we drove around the bend, my suspicions were confirmed as a handful of young women in very short skirts/dresses/shirts that look like they could possibly pass as a dress if the wearer is small enough exited a black sedan that looks fairly similar to my Honda Civic. Except for the fact that it looks nothing like my Honda Civic.
“Oh look,” I said. “They ordered strippers! That’ll be one hell of a party.”
After dropping my roommate off, I returned to my apartment’s parking. A young man in a shirt and tie and a young woman in a very short dress wearing her date’s coat were standing in the lot, apparently waiting for something. I slowed down since they were standing where I wanted to go. They began to approach the car. Confused, as soon as they were out of my way, I sped forward, twisted my steering wheel, and parked in the open spot.
After exiting my car, I decided to use a blank but ruined poster-board to clean off the rest of the snow from my windows. Meanwhile, the couple who thought I was the frat party’s designated driver stood confused in the freezing cold, wondering why no other cars were rushing to the parking lot to pick them up.
I’m pretty sure the best reward for voting today wasn’t the sticker, nor was it the look on the faces of the republican poll solicitors outside when I pulled in with Connecticut plates, it was the fact that I got a better parking spot in the college lot than I had when I left.
I lose my train of thought all the time. I blame the invention of the automobile and the expansion of associated industries.
Originally Posted 5/23/2009.
Today, I spent the evening running errands. After I had acquired completely necessary items for my own personal consumption, I got back on the road and started driving back to campus. I was stopped at a light when I noticed the van in front of me was advertising a very interesting service.
To be quite honest, I didn’t know there was much of a market for ferret transportation. I guess I’m just simple minded, since I thought ferrets were one of those rodents that only required a cage, water, and food every once and a while.
I did not know this interesting fact about ferrets. They need to be transported.
I’ve got a great idea for an ad for this business:
Bill: “Linda! The ferret’s gotta go to the mall!”
Linda: “Can you drive him, Bill, I’ve got my book club?”
Bill: “I’m playing cards with the boys! I can’t!”
Linda: “Oh heck! Well, now what are we going to do!?”
(At this point I envision a punk kid in skater shorts, a Hawaiian shirt and a backwards ball cap popping out of nowhere.)
Bro: “Don’t fret, chika! We’ve got this ferret transportation covered!”
Linda: “Who are you!?”
Bro: “We’re LITTLE DUDE’S FERRET TRANSPORT, and we’ll transport your ferret wherever it needs to go!”
Bill: “RADICAL!”
Linda: “OFF THE HOOK!”
Bro: “That’s right! Call 1-800-FERRETS now to get your ferret transported in luxury and style!”
That being said, I still am a little bit flabbergasted that there’s an actual market for this.
I also plan on writing a new hit movie, The Transporter: Ferret to Freedom.
Originally Posted on 2/25/2009.
Do we still manufacture Hummers?
I guess we’re at least making the smaller, family-friendly versions. How much do these motherfuckers cost to make? Didn’t we just bail out the big three in Detroit? How much did we give them? Probably about enough to make about 4 H3s, right?
Ready, average American family?
Set…
Go!
Go buy hardcore HUMVEEs and STIMULATE THIS FUCKING ECONOMY!
Gas is cheap! Buy big-ass cars!
I’ve seen a lot of these stupid things driving around. Usually in suburban neighborhoods. Parked in front of identical houses with identical yards and identical mailboxes owned by identical families.
The only reason a Soccer Mom needs one of these monstrosities is if she has one hell of a Napoleon Complex… or her husband feels the need to compensate.
You don’t need it, man. Just get a week’s worth of your free trial of ExtenZe and a nice, shiny new Glock.
Originally Posted on 2/23/2009.
Have you ever seen those “Speed Limit Enforced by Aircraft” signs on the highway?
For example:
I never see any aircraft around. Ever.
To be honest, I’d like to see them try.
Once there’s a SCUD missile screaming towards my Honda Civic while I’m going 90 miles per hour, then I’ll consider slowing down.
Until then, I’ll stick with checking the alley lanes for state police.
