Thrilla in prehistorilla.

Ignore the facts. In a fight between Andre the Giant and a Sabre-Toothed Tiger, who would win?

Karl’s Marks

I found this in a notebook of my stuff. The original date on it is April 7, 2009.

Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels were the Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan of their time. They have obviously time traveled. If you look at what’s going on now, they had it dead on. The theory of class struggle applies today even more than it did in their time.
In America, we didn’t like that. Not in the 1950’s, oh no. Those damn pinko Commies endangered the American family. Communism would destroy the working class!

The truth is that, if implemented and regulated the right way, the economic theory would have destroyed the upper class, not the workers. That was the point. The government has already lied about so much, and we’re surprised that Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, the “money weasel,” fucked his judgment and wasted tax dollars on those greedy, fuck-holing, ass-fucking, scat-munchers over at AIG? A little naïve, America.

A perfect testament to this are the Native American reservations. Why do casinos keep popping up on reservations? It’s because the government can’t regulate tribal land. I mean, okay, we gave them back a glass of water if America’s an entire ocean. But now they’re breaking bank.

It’s a little ridiculous how partisan we can get over the country’s future. No country has lasted over 200 years without a revolution. We got close when Bush was in office. We’re good for a while. The far right isn’t going to revolt, even if they’ve got the heavy artillery. Revolution is progressive. It’s driven by people who have actually had their rights repressed.

Sorry guys, losing is not the same thing.

Stop and Think.

I woke up this morning, checked my usual stuff online, got dressed, and went to breakfast. As usual, I headed to the bookstore to pick up my daily New York Times (I wanted a good crossword to get my brain juices flowing), only to find that the bookstore was closed. I grabbed a USA Today upstairs instead. Not the best crosswords, but whatever. It’s something to do. I ended up finishing the crossword early, so I skimmed the paper. That’s when I saw this article.

I’m pretty sure everyone around me heard me face palm so loud that they actually turned and looked.

Here’s the thing. The man is the fucking president. For the last time, deal with it. We were subjected to George W. Bush for 8 years, can these kids get a break for once?

I was talking to one of my old teachers today and he mentioned that they aren’t allowed to watch the address on Tuesday. My old school district. The one I spent 13 years of my life in. Mine.

Here’s the deal. I’m going to say this one last time and if it sticks, great. If it doesn’t, I’ll see you out there with your misspelled signs and “Don’t Tread on Me” flags, okay? Okay.

Ready?

1. Obama is your president. Suck it.
2. He wasn’t born in Kenya. He showed you his birth certificate. Stop.
3. Government is already in medicare. Medicare is a government-run program. Like Social Security. That’s like saying you don’t want corn flakes in your corn flakes.
4. Stop saying things are socialism if you have no idea what socialism is, and none of you do.
5. Stop, to use your word, indoctrinating your kids into whatever it is you believe. Give them a fucking chance, okay? They’re kids. They’re smarter than all of us. They don’t know what Republicans and Democrats are. They don’t care. They just want to laugh and play and maybe learn about stuff. If I could laugh and play and learn about stuff instead of working, that’s paradise.
6. Don’t pull your kids out of school because the president of our country is going to speak to them.
7. Don’t complain about it either. What the fuck does that accomplish?
8. One more time, to sum up, stop doing everything you’re doing and think hard about shit. Especially how to spell things on signs.

My moral point of view?

I just had to write on a prompt that went something like this.

My idea of the meaning and purpose of life is __________. It has been formed by __________. It seems right to me, or I justify it because __________.

Surprisingly, I had trouble getting started. I know, right? I decided it would be beneficial to everyone if I just…didn’t take this seriously.
My introduction is as follows:

As the late, great George Carlin once said, “There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.” In a way, living a moral life has a lot to do with living the way Carlin describes. Morality is based on our individual beliefs and our environments. My personal idea of the meaning and purpose of life is to live as well as you can and, every once and a while, do something that helps someone else. Briefly, the things that have formed this view include the way I was brought up and the things I have learned in my life so far. I can justify this because…well, to be honest, I can’t actually justify this, but I can always try.

My conclusion is even better. It’s where I just gave up completely on making a convincing argument.

I can’t justify why my views on morality are right. They’re just what I think. Revisiting the Carlin quote from above, there really is no present. There are things we have done and things we are about to do. As long as we balance our ‘recent past’ and ‘immediate future’ so our lives are not negatively affecting the lives of others, our morals are fine.

And that, kids, is your less on “Values and the Responsible Lifestyle” for tonight.

I’m pretty sure Howard Dean was in on this.

I got into a Twitter argument with two people today. Well, technically I got into an argument with one person and a name-calling session with the other. It all started when I tweeted about Glenn Beck’s spelling mistake. My exact tweet was:

Me: I kind of hope there was some cameraman on Glenn Beck going, “no!! that’s not how you spell that!!”

Which, to normal people, isn’t a bad comment, just a playful joust. Well, the first argument came shortly after.

UserA: @KatieEber who cares if he can’t spell. Half of America can’t spell

The content was centered more around the politics of punditry and what people with the outreach that Beck has should and shouldn’t do on air.
Well, for some reason, that person felt the need to call for backup. I’m just overwhelming, I guess.

I got bombarded with questions from another user, mostly about health care reform. I think my favorite response to one of my tweets was:

UserB: @KatieEber Aha, so you’re a communist…I mean Democrat.

I proceeded to explain that yes, ideologically I am a liberal. However, I am not a Democrat. On my voter registration, it clearly says “Independent” under party affiliation. Apparently this was too much to understand. It got to the point where I needed to get to my Shakespeare and decided to dismiss the argument with something that would make me laugh and make this user extremely annoyed.

UserB: @KatieEber You seem to be forgetting who truly runs this country. Does this ring a bell? “WE THE PEOPLE”
Me: @UserB Oh, okay then.
Me: @UserB CONSTITUTION FIGHT!!!
Me: @UserB DON’T TREAD ON ME
Me: @UserB LIVE FREE OR DIE
Me: @UserB FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO

This didn’t work, and I started to become suspicious that one of these users was actually just Howard Dean throwing a curveball at a supporter of Health Care Reform. When UserB started with the name-calling, I decided that it probably wasn’t Howard Dean, but I still had my suspicions. I was growing weary of the argument, so I decided to go directly to the source and plead with the person in charge of training these numbskulls.

Hey, @glennbeck! Call your watchdogs @UserA and @UserB off! They’re barking so loud I can’t get anything done!

How to fix America.

There’s talk of health care reform. Of course, where there’s talk of health care reform, there’s going to be fuckery.

I’ve mentioned before that I work at a four-week day camp sponsored by my town’s parks and recreation department. Camp runs from 8:30AM to 3:00PM Monday through Friday.
I was at work the other day, and I realized something so simple that every camp counselor, past and present, should understand what I’m saying.

The easiest way to solve all of America’s problems is to think like a summer camp counselor.
Our camp is like America. The ‘citizens,’ otherwise known as campers, pay $50 per four week session. In other words, these are the taxes I pay out of my paycheck to the federal government. Every day last year, an ice cream truck came right after lunch and sold ice cream to the kids. Because the ice cream truck was not included in the price of camp, this can represent a free-market economy.  Howerver, when kids started to leave hunks of bubble gum around the playground, we had to ban and regulate the sale of ice cream with bubble gum in it.

I’m not an economist, so that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Now let’s get to health care. When a kid gets hurt, we don’t demand that they pay us a quarter for a band-aid or three dollars for an ice pack. If a kid skins his knee or runs straight into a metal pole, we care for them. That’s included in the price of camp. Do the other kids care that little Johnny gets a band-aid every day because he’s a spaz? No. They’re happy because they know that if they get hurt, there’s a cold ice pack waiting to soothe their every bump and bruise.
Here’s how Senators, Representatives, and other public figures should handle the town hall meetings with rowdy audiences:  make attendees sit in silence for five minutes. When they talk, start the time over. If they’re still rowdy, take away dodgeball.

I’m still not sure what dodgeball is in the analogy, but once I do, hell, I’m in business.
Hear that Obama? Hear that Congress? Think like a camp counselor.