A Study in Cardboard: Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery of the Variety 12-Pack

Maybe it’s me, but I always have bad luck when it comes to a 12-pack case of craft beer.
Here’s the thing - the problem is never with the beer itself.

There are some basic things you should know about me before I get started.
I love to cook.
I love to eat.
I love beer.
I love drinking beer.
But most of all, I love buying beer…

Continue reading A Study in Cardboard: Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery of the Variety 12-Pack

There’s Something Wrong Here.

I’ve come to realize that my political views have shifted over the course of a year and a half. During the 2008 election season and the subsequent transition of power, I considered myself a militant liberal - someone who would pick a fight just for the sake of picking a fight, just to show myself how irrational the other side was. I watched the MSNBC prime-time block almost every night, read The Nation, and, yes, I frequented the HuffPo and the Daily Kos.

Now my political views are a little more complicated. I hate the consumerist culture we live in, where it’s second nature to care what the Joneses think. I’m supremely pissed from a Huxleyist angle, in that I’m afraid we’re too distracted to see we’re being fucked by every system that wants a taste. To that effect, there’s a little Carlinist in there because we’re losing our shit because we’re actually getting dumber. Then there’s still the militant in me - I was just born too late to join the Yippie movement. For reasons too complicated to explain, I’m jaded about the media. And when it comes to the economy? The truth is, I’m fiscally apathetic and irresponsible because I see no value in money. But really, all in all, I’m tired of the fucking stupidity.

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A Citizen’s View on “America: From Freedom to Fascism,” Part III

Foreword
Recently, I was given Aaron Russo’s riveting 2006 documentary entitled America: From Freedom to Fascism by a friend who is even more liberal than I am. He told me to watch it purely for what we on the Series of Tubes created by Al Gore call “lulz.”
As it turns out, the film was not at all what I expected, but considering that I expected it to be a zombie-puppet love story based on Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet in the film noir style, I may have been expecting a little bit too much.
Instead, Russo’s documentary was a crusade to prove that the American people do not have to pay a Federal Income Tax. (I was still a little disappointed that puppets or zombies did not make a cameo appearance.)
Now, the word “Unconstitutional” is thrown around a lot these days, but back in 2006 when George W. Bush was torturing-ahem interrogating prisoners, making sure America was a Christian nation, saving this country from the evils of gay marriage, and wiretapping the living daylights out of this country, this was one of those rare terms that your Grandfather used to describe the fence his neighbor put up in the backyard that may or may not be on his own property line. Despite this, Russo decided that it was time for it to come back out into a circle that really cares about American laws - the Libertarians.
In fact, Libertarians care so much that their political philosophy is to get rid of all laws that infringe on individual rights. So I guess marketing this law-hating movie to this specific demographic is like advertising chocolates in the tampon section of the supermarket.
But I digress.
This “analysis,” if you will, has been broken into three parts, simply because I can really only watch about a half hour of this at a time before my brain melts into a tax-evading, epithet-yelling, sign-misspelling mush ball and escapes from my head to go join Sarah Palin’s Political Action Committee. If you missed Part I and Part II, don’t worry. It won’t make any sense when you read that either.

Part III: The Frankly Fascist, Totally Totalitarian, Communist Conclusion
Starting the last half hour, filmmaker Aaron Russo steps up onto his soapbox and asks why the United States adopted platforms of the Communist Manifesto when they instituted the Federal Reserve Bank. Then, he interviews the man on the street and asks if they knew that the Fed was really a private bank. I’ve got a question for YOU, Mr. Russo: if the private bank known as the Federal Reserve is “no more federal than Federal Express,” isn’t that the epitome of Capitalism? HMM? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Somehow, this turned into a conspiracy to destroy the middle class. And I thought this was about the rich having to pay taxes, oh ha ha ha. I’m so silly.
We’ve also destroyed currency, according to interviewee Congressman Dr. Ron Paul, father of Congress-hopeful Dr. Rand Paul, who - and this is mathematically proven - is exponentially crazier than his father. Therefore, we need to be back on the gold standard. Yes, the gold standard. Better start looking for Cibola, El Dorado. It’s time for a second gold rush.
There’s a list of Executive Orders and laws, including the Patriot Act - that clearly undermine the Constitution. Remember, this was made back in 2006. Back when George W. Bush was President. Yet we still are afraid that Barack Obama is spawn of Hitler and Karl Marx born in Kenya and rode overseas on the stingray that killed Steve Irwin.
Not to mention there’s an attack on the second amendment AND we’re turning into Nazi Germany. Good grief.
We’re also getting tagged with RFID chips, everyone. That guy on the subway ranting about the CIA putting microchips in his head was right, man. Shit’s heavy.
There’s a concern about the government being able to find you at any point in time with these chips, and yet, it’s just like Communist Russia. Yes, when I’m being followed by the government, by biggest concern is not being able to buy blue jeans.
There’s a skit that involves a guy ordering a pizza, but his identity card provided the woman at the pizza place to access all of his information. Including the fact that he has impotence and high blood pressure. But wait - she said that the system got the information from his health service provider, which is most likely an insurance company, which…is a private corporation? Wait a second, the government has no hand in this! It’s purely corporate greed! The companies can put chips in products to see which ones are flying off the shelves and what households they’re going to. Dude, I’m afraid of corporations, not the government. This movie has not done its job yet.
Oh, and the New World Order is coming and no one can stop it. Except Lou Dobbs. He told us about the North American super-continent super-government. Four for you, Lou Dobbs. You go, Lou Dobbs.
The movie ends with messages that are oddly reminiscent of the stuff Glenn Beck writes on his chalkboard and a plea to “stop being good Democrats,” “Stop being good Republicans,” and “Start being good Americans.” Mr. Russo, don’t you know that this country was founded on partisan rhetoric? Look up “Federalist Papers,” then “Anti-Federalist Papers.” Don’t squash a good argument just because the fate of our nation depends on it. Killjoy.

Well, that’s it. That’s the whole enchilada. I made it through, with no help from others and with no narcotic aid. Thank you, America.

A Citizen’s View on “America: From Freedom to Fascism,” Part II

Foreword
Recently, I was given Aaron Russo’s riveting 2006 documentary entitled America: From Freedom to Fascism by a friend who is even more liberal than I am. He told me to watch it purely for what we on the Series of Tubes created by Al Gore call “lulz.”
As it turns out, the film was not at all what I expected, but considering that I expected it to be a zombie-puppet love story based on Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet in the film noir style, I may have been expecting a little bit too much.
Instead, Russo’s documentary was a crusade to prove that the American people do not have to pay a Federal Income Tax. (I was still a little disappointed that puppets or zombies did not make a cameo appearance.)
Now, the word “Unconstitutional” is thrown around a lot these days, but back in 2006 when George W. Bush was torturing-ahem interrogating prisoners, making sure America was a Christian nation, saving this country from the evils of gay marriage, and wiretapping the living daylights out of this country, this was one of those rare terms that your Grandfather used to describe the fence his neighbor put up in the backyard that may or may not be on his own property line. Despite this, Russo decided that it was time for it to come back out into a circle that really cares about American laws - the Libertarians.
In fact, Libertarians care so much that their political philosophy is to get rid of all laws that infringe on individual rights. So I guess marketing this law-hating movie to this specific demographic is like advertising chocolates in the tampon section of the supermarket.
But I digress.
This “analysis,” if you will, has been broken into three parts, simply because I can really only watch about a half hour of this at a time before my brain melts into a tax-evading, epithet-yelling, sign-misspelling mush ball and escapes from my head to go join Sarah Palin’s Political Action Committee. If you missed Part I, don’t worry. It won’t make any sense when you read that either.

Part II: 30 More Minutes of Totalitarian Travesty
When we left Aaron Russo and his merry band of cameras, he was looking to sit down with a few more people and ask them loaded questions and the like. A perfect example of this was Mr. Russo’s interview with a gentleman who made Russo literally pause the movie, because what that IRS man said to y’all was so damn twisted, that, according to Russo, this man told the cameras that “Supreme Court decisions do not apply to the IRS.” Actually, what he said was that the ruling cited in the interview was not applicable because it has nothing to do with the question asked.
Now that we all hate the IRS even more now, we know from this movie that “the IRS thrives on intimidation and fear, not by law.” Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m not really afraid of the IRS. Annoyed that I have to pay taxes? Yes. But that’s the price I pay for interstate highways to drive on and public schools and parks and a military that protects us and a ton of other stuff that, I mean, if you think about it, is nice to have. Like a bomb shelter or a nice portrait in your living room. Not always necessary, but a good thing to have. If you’re wondering why I’m not afraid of the IRS, it’s because I FILE MY GODDAMN TAXES.
Russo has the balls to invoke Willie Nelson. No one can invoke Willie unless they’re Willie himself. It’s all there, black and white, clear as crystal. You STOLE Fizzy Lifting Drink. You bumped into the ceiling that now needs to be washed and sterilized so you get NOTHING. You LOSE. Good DAY, sir.
Next thing you know, we’re whipped into a courtroom setting, where some poor sap who didn’t pay his taxes is being litigated for breaking the law. We’re talking to a woman who was on the jury and she either has a massive tic that makes her jump ahead in her conversation by several seconds, or the interview was edited. Either way, why was this woman on the jury? Somehow, her and her peers decided to let this tax evader go. She said it “truly [was] a victory for the people.” How? You let a tax evader go! I still have to pay taxes, you still have to pay taxes…so why did you let this guy off with a clean bill when WE STILL HAVE TO PAY TAXES.

Also included in Part II that I didn’t have time to expand on:

• Communism!
• Ron Paul!
• Private Banks!
• The Fed!
• Zombies!
• Your Mom’s Meatloaf!

Coming soon to Too Late, Trotsky: The final installment of this epic saga, America: The Return of the King, adapted from a book by J.R.R. Tolkien.

(My apologies to J.R.R. Tolkien.)

A Citizen’s View on “America: From Freedom to Fascism,” Part I

Foreword
Recently, I was given Aaron Russo’s riveting 2006 documentary entitled America: From Freedom to Fascism by a friend who is even more liberal than I am. He told me to watch it purely for what we on the Series of Tubes created by Al Gore call “lulz.”
As it turns out, the film was not at all what I expected, but considering that I expected it to be a zombie-puppet love story based on Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet in the film noir style, I may have been expecting a little bit too much.
Instead, Russo’s documentary was a crusade to prove that the American people do not have to pay a Federal Income Tax. (I was still a little disappointed that puppets or zombies did not make a cameo appearance.)
Now, the word “Unconstitutional” is thrown around a lot these days, but back in 2006 when George W. Bush was torturing-ahem interrogating prisoners, making sure America was a Christian nation, saving this country from the evils of gay marriage, and wiretapping the living daylights out of this country, this was one of those rare terms that your Grandfather used to describe the fence his neighbor put up in the backyard that may or may not be on his own property line. Despite this, Russo decided that it was time for it to come back out into a circle that really cares about American laws - the Libertarians.
In fact, Libertarians care so much that their political philosophy is to get rid of all laws that infringe on individual rights. So I guess marketing this law-hating movie to this specific demographic is like advertising chocolates in the tampon section of the supermarket.
But I digress.
This “analysis,” if you will, has been broken into three parts, simply because I can really only watch about a half hour of this at a time before my brain melts into a tax-evading, epithet-yelling, sign-misspelling mush ball and escapes from my head to go join Sarah Palin’s Political Action Committee.

Part I: The First Half Hour of Fascism
The first thing that struck me was the production company that funded the film. The movie is “an All Your Freedoms Production” and the first thing that came to mind was the internet meme “All Your Base are Belong to Us.” I thought that the reference was pretty clever, but then I remembered who was making the film and I realized that “All Your Freedoms are Belong to Us” was probably not what they were going for. Onward!
Next, there are several quotes thrown onscreen to serve as I guess what you would call “evidence” backing the opinion that a law that forces Americans to pay Income Tax does not exist.
The problem comes when you look in the Amendments to the Constitution of the United States somewhere between the right to vote no matter what you look like and the one that says how many Senators we’re supposed to have and how and when we elect them. See, right there? Number 16? That’s the amendment that says something about the income tax.
Mr. Russo! I found it!
Well, as it turns out, the quotes that flashed by said just the opposite. Or did they? The voice narration said that one was evidence that the law doesn’t exist and was actually “cited in a recent court case.” Except the attribution does not give what case the quote is actually from. Turns out that it’s taken completely out of context and doesn’t mean what you think it means.
There were interviews with people who look like they would be a lot of fun at a party. (Yeah, a Tea Party. Zing!)
A woman who looked like my elementary school librarian started talking and holding up a booklet about the size of an STD pamphlet you can find in your college’s health services offices. (And seriously, you should pick some up.) She said that this little booklet contained the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the symptoms of chlamydia, and the Declaration of Independence. The she held up a book the size of a trigonometry textbook and explained that it was the Internal Revenue Code. She asked which an American would be more likely to read.
Lady, have you BEEN to America? READ? The answer is that no one will read either one. Put some sparkly vampires in it and call us when it’s made into a movie and Justin Bieber is playing the lead.

Stay tuned for Part II, coming soon to a series of tubes near you.

Economics 101 - National/Personal Debt

In class Wednesday, my Professor went on a rant about how most Americans are in debt up to their eyeballs without a plan to get rid of personal debt.

We’re a country of people with no way out.

Does our government reflect that? Does all that national debt reflect the fact that we’re a nation of shopaholics who consume, consume, consume with little thought about the impact we’re having on our own lives?

Forget about the impact on the environment and everything else for a moment.

I try to buy organic, local foods. I try to support small businesses. I really do. But I realized that if we don’t save ourselves from debt, we’ll never save the America that makes economic sense. That’s just the way it is, but that’s not how it should be.

We’re a free country. That means free to buy products from the places you want. With giant corporations owning most of the business for food, how is that freedom?

If you haven’t watched Food, Inc yet, you need to. It’s a huge wake-up call for the average American consumer. And that’s kind of what we need - a gigantic, country-wide shock to jolt us awake. We’ve been asleep for years, and now corporations like the ones that run the food industry can spend their hundreds of millions of dollars on campaign ads for candidates who support their lobbies.

So…who’s going to set the alarm, eh?