…and say that he should be put on some pedestal because he’s an artist. Bullshit. According to the laws of this country, he’s a rapist. He did something wrong, and he has to own up to it just like everyone else. And this ‘artist’ crap? Yeah, you know who else was an artist? Hitler. Do a few landscapes make him any less of a monster? No, no they don’t.
Here’s the thing - sure, we can talk about Polanski’s movies and how awesome they are - I mean, Chinatown is an absolutely fantastic film and should be a mainstay in teaching the craft - but it doesn’t change who he is. We shouldn’t let how great the work is affect how we view the director. Michael Bay made Armageddon, which is one of my favorite I-always-watch-it-when-it’s-on-TV movies, but it doesn’t make him any less of an asshole. Kevin Smith has produced probably the largest cult-classic body of work since Mel Brooks was on his game, but he’s still a bit of douche. And James Cameron - well, I just don’t like him.
So when you talk about Roman Polanski, talk about what he is: a coward who had sex with a 13-year-old and ran away to avoid punishment.
This has been a public service announcement.
Every culture has its own path to adulthood. It could be a ritual, the end of education, or even mandated by law. Adulthood is a terrifying ultimatum for children of all ages - a strict rule that says “You are now an adult. You must follow the rules. You must act mature. You must take responsibility.” I shudder every time I think about it.
I’ve realized now, however, that my path to adulthood is unique. I have searched far and wide for what Robert Frost would call “the road less traveled by,” and I think I’ve finally reached the end of my journey without walking across hot coals or the ruling of a grand jury (and I’m fairly surprised that the latter didn’t happen).
My leap into adulthood was prompted by the fact that I can no longer relate to children born after the year 2000.
They think Star Wars: A New Hope is boring and Revenge of the Sith is the best.
The best video game system has a controller with more than five buttons.
“You can get books at the library?”
“I stay up until two in the morning sometimes.”
They have cell phones and never talk on them, only text.
They think the Twilight series is the best thing to happen since sliced bread.
None of them eat sliced bread. Just Lunchables and Uncrustables. Actually, most food has the suffix “-ables” now. I call them “disgustables.”
But the thing that bothers me most of all? Why, that’s the fact that they look at me like I have four heads when I ask,
“Hey, you guys ever just feel like digging a hole?”
I mean, come on. That’s an integral part of childhood - sitting in the dirt with a stick or a rock, digging a fucking hole. You think you can reach China. You find all kinds of stuff. Worms, cool rocks, more sticks, dirt. And the best part? You get all dirty.
Why isn’t that a part of childhood anymore?
To the politicians of South Carolina,
Thanks for the memes. On behalf of ‘fake America,’ I accept and appreciate that you’ve added “YOU LIE!!” to your repertoire. I’m sure it will join, “hiking the ol’ Appalachian Trail” and “but hey, that would be going into the sexual details” in internet meme-dom, and hopefully, into everyday speech. So keep ‘em comin’.
You’re on a roll.
Love,
Fake America
Why do we call it “god’s green earth” when it’s 70% water? Shouldn’t it be “god’s blue earth?” Obviously someone fucked up somewhere along the way.
I woke up this morning, checked my usual stuff online, got dressed, and went to breakfast. As usual, I headed to the bookstore to pick up my daily New York Times (I wanted a good crossword to get my brain juices flowing), only to find that the bookstore was closed. I grabbed a USA Today upstairs instead. Not the best crosswords, but whatever. It’s something to do. I ended up finishing the crossword early, so I skimmed the paper. That’s when I saw this article.
I’m pretty sure everyone around me heard me face palm so loud that they actually turned and looked.
Here’s the thing. The man is the fucking president. For the last time, deal with it. We were subjected to George W. Bush for 8 years, can these kids get a break for once?
I was talking to one of my old teachers today and he mentioned that they aren’t allowed to watch the address on Tuesday. My old school district. The one I spent 13 years of my life in. Mine.
Here’s the deal. I’m going to say this one last time and if it sticks, great. If it doesn’t, I’ll see you out there with your misspelled signs and “Don’t Tread on Me” flags, okay? Okay.
Ready?
1. Obama is your president. Suck it.
2. He wasn’t born in Kenya. He showed you his birth certificate. Stop.
3. Government is already in medicare. Medicare is a government-run program. Like Social Security. That’s like saying you don’t want corn flakes in your corn flakes.
4. Stop saying things are socialism if you have no idea what socialism is, and none of you do.
5. Stop, to use your word, indoctrinating your kids into whatever it is you believe. Give them a fucking chance, okay? They’re kids. They’re smarter than all of us. They don’t know what Republicans and Democrats are. They don’t care. They just want to laugh and play and maybe learn about stuff. If I could laugh and play and learn about stuff instead of working, that’s paradise.
6. Don’t pull your kids out of school because the president of our country is going to speak to them.
7. Don’t complain about it either. What the fuck does that accomplish?
8. One more time, to sum up, stop doing everything you’re doing and think hard about shit. Especially how to spell things on signs.
I got into a Twitter argument with two people today. Well, technically I got into an argument with one person and a name-calling session with the other. It all started when I tweeted about Glenn Beck’s spelling mistake. My exact tweet was:
Me: I kind of hope there was some cameraman on Glenn Beck going, “no!! that’s not how you spell that!!”
Which, to normal people, isn’t a bad comment, just a playful joust. Well, the first argument came shortly after.
UserA: @KatieEber who cares if he can’t spell. Half of America can’t spell
The content was centered more around the politics of punditry and what people with the outreach that Beck has should and shouldn’t do on air.
Well, for some reason, that person felt the need to call for backup. I’m just overwhelming, I guess.
I got bombarded with questions from another user, mostly about health care reform. I think my favorite response to one of my tweets was:
UserB: @KatieEber Aha, so you’re a communist…I mean Democrat.
I proceeded to explain that yes, ideologically I am a liberal. However, I am not a Democrat. On my voter registration, it clearly says “Independent” under party affiliation. Apparently this was too much to understand. It got to the point where I needed to get to my Shakespeare and decided to dismiss the argument with something that would make me laugh and make this user extremely annoyed.
UserB: @KatieEber You seem to be forgetting who truly runs this country. Does this ring a bell? “WE THE PEOPLE”
Me: @UserB Oh, okay then.
Me: @UserB CONSTITUTION FIGHT!!!
Me: @UserB DON’T TREAD ON ME
Me: @UserB LIVE FREE OR DIE
Me: @UserB FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO
This didn’t work, and I started to become suspicious that one of these users was actually just Howard Dean throwing a curveball at a supporter of Health Care Reform. When UserB started with the name-calling, I decided that it probably wasn’t Howard Dean, but I still had my suspicions. I was growing weary of the argument, so I decided to go directly to the source and plead with the person in charge of training these numbskulls.
Hey, @glennbeck! Call your watchdogs @UserA and @UserB off! They’re barking so loud I can’t get anything done!
There is nothing interesting about humans. If we still acted on our animal instincts, we’d be much more fun to watch.
We do have those Animal Planet shows with the British guy narrating. They just lack the British guy narrating. MTV’s been doing it for years. Our generation’s safari specials are just Reality TV.
Reality television is a testament to how fucking boring we are as a species — we need to have a camera crew following around the very small minority of pituitary retards. The people plastered all over American TV screens are just chosen by the rich assholes who own the networks because they know we’ll never shut the TV off. We can’t get enough.
So, I pose this question: Are we really that fucking boring that our own lives suck so much that we need to watch someone else waste their life away?
There’s this girl I’m facebook friends with who really sucks at writing poetry.
No one will tell her how bad it is.
Tonight, however, I decided to voice my opinion.
Her poetry
is just…”oh noetry.”
Why you do this?
It makes me want to ram my fist
in her face
post haste.
This is better, no lying.
I’m not even fucking trying.
Originally Posted 6/30/2009.
No, I haven’t seen Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen yet. No, I don’t know when I’m going to. Get off my case.
Instead, I bring you news from another front. So, I’m adopted. It’s not really a big deal, just an interesting tidbit about myself.
Apparently there are people with children who harass childless people about not having children. These people are known as, “breeders.” This phenomenon has become so common that childless people have made “Breeder Bingo,” a bingo game based on the things “breeders” say to them in regards to children.
I start work tomorrow, work at a summer camp for kids ages 6 through 12. I figured posting this is mildly appropriate because, by the time camp is over, I will not want to see a child in that age range for months, and I will be grateful that their parents came to pick them up every day.
This is the “Breeder Bingo” board, and here are my ever-so-tactful answers to all of these questions.
1. “It’s different when it’s your own!”
No, it’s not. It’s the same. Except I can’t give it back.
2. “Your child could grow up to cure cancer!”
Based on the way things went for me, my motivation, and my work ethic, I highly doubt that.
3. “People like you SHOULD have kids!”
Yeah, and people like you really shouldn’t.
4. “You were a baby once, too!”
Okay…water is wet. The sky is blue. The Pope is Catholic. Oh, sorry, were we not having a state-the-obvious competition?
5. “What about the family name?”
Yeah, it’s pretty sweet, isn’t it?
6. “Who will take care of you when you’re old?”
Well, for one, I don’t expect to need to be ‘taken care of.’ And if I do, there will be very well-paid nurses for that.
7. “What if your parents didn’t have kids?”
I’m adopted. They didn’t ‘have kids’ the way you’re implying anyway. Suck it. I’m special.
8. “The only reason to get married is to have children!”
Two words: Shotgun. Wedding.
9. “It’s all worth it.”
Weren’t those Ted Bundy’s last words?
10. “The biological clock is ticking!”
So is the atomic clock.
11. “You’ll change your mind.”
You a psychic or something?
12. “If everyone didn’t have kids, the human race would die out!”
You see that as a bad thing? We’re a virus with nice shoes.
13. “But the Bible said, ‘go forth and multiply!’”
The Bible says a lot of things. I believe one of them was, “Jesus wept.”
14. “You forget the pain of labor and birth!”
What?
15. “People who don’t want kids are selfish!”
And…there’s something wrong with that?
16. “You aren’t a real adult until you have kids!”
Legally, that’s not true. I was an adult at 18.
17. “Children are a woman’s greatest achievement!”
No they’re not. Now go in the kitchen and make me a sandwich. That will be your greatest achievement.
18. “Don’t you want to give your parents grandchildren?”
We never really discussed it. It seems a little presumptuous to say that they want them without asking, doesn’t it?
19. “It’s the most important job in the world!”
I don’t know, there are some pretty important jobs out there. Like whoever makes alarm clocks.
20. “What’s the matter, don’t you LIKE kids?”
Yeah, if I can give them back later.
21. “The children are our future!”
Well…that sucks.
22. “Don’t you want genetic immortality?”
Yes! And that’s exactly why I’m having myself cryogenically frozen so that I can be revived when we figure out this whole “how to live forever” deal.
23. “Nothing is better than that “new baby” smell.”
Yeah. Nothing smells better than fresh loads of feces every 10 minutes. Believe me. Nothing.
24. “Aren’t you curious to see what they would look like?”
Not really, no.
